Bridgewater Soccer Mom's view of the world

Sunday in the Village with the family

2012-02-13T09:16:00.001-05:00

Saturday night just before falling asleep, my husband suggested we go into the city with the kids on Sunday.

Sunday morning he didn't remember the offer, but we went anyway. (I think he thought I was manipulating him... who me?)

It was a great idea and a great day.

We drove into the village - parked at the corner of 6th Avenue and Bleeker Street. On street parking that was easy to parallel park in and out of. What luck!

First: pizza. Cheap and yummy.

In the first store we entered (near NYU) we found a dress for my daughter for a "prom" at Hershey (fodder for another blog when I tell you what I think of this). It looked fabulous on her and she will meet her goal: having a dress that no one else will be wearing. We were all happy with her purchase.

It was cold, so we needed cocoa.... very easy to find in that neighborhood! More yummy!

We walked through Washington Square and ended up in NYU's bookstore. N was thrilled. He found lots of hard cover books about Greek Mythology, and wanted to buy a hard cover copy of the Iliad. (It was $35, so I said we'd see if we could borrow Grandpa's copy - then he found a more age-appropriate book on mythology, so we got that. As a bonus, we found a 4th book has come out in a series that both C and I read when we were on vacation.

It got colder and we remembered that N needed boots and I couldn't find them in Bridgewater or online. (A specific kind). While C & I looked in girl-clothes shops, they found them. Only 2 sizes too big (no snow this season - he can wear them next year - I wouldn't have bought them that big, good thing Dad is nicer than Mom).

We braced the cold and I found the car. Everyone was so impressed.... didn't share that I had a plan on how to find the car - park somewhere easy to find to begin with. :-)

We came home, I made dinner that everyone liked, C and I watched the Grammy's for a bit (the boys were watching some zombie-show). (I love Adele - no nonsense, just singing!) But it was cold upstairs - so I feared the pilot light went out on the heater.... it had. But T discovered that our water heater is leaking. Guess we're going to be getting a new one this week.

So T and I browsed the laptop for cell phones (another incident Saturday - NOT MY FAULT has left me cell-less) and then T and I watched Lilyhammer. My new favorite show.

A really great day. Love a relaxing and family-focused Sunday.

Postcard from Virginia?

2012-02-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

Imagination's the limit

It's a clean slate, and I love it.

My Christmas present from T: an office. He took out the furniture, painted he walls light grey (which I picked because it represents silver). A white curtain that I bought from IKEA seven or eight years ago has finally found a destination, and only needs a rod. A new ceiling fan to keep me cool in the summer.

I've been using pinterest to gather my thoughts on the space's design. I find while in the stores I'm drawn to darker furniture, but when I look at images, I crave the lighter side. It would allow the colors to stand out. From yarn. From pictures. From books. From whatever I want.

One book I plan to buy specifically for this room: Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own. Now that I am married, have two kids and a big house, I realize that what I missing is a little piece of real estate that is for me. I share a room, and while the kitchen is mostly my domain, it is certainly shared space.

How will I fill this space? It's up to me. But I want a warm and welcoming environment. A place where *I* want to be. A working space for my multitasking, a creative spirit.

A room of my own.

No good deed....

2012-02-08T22:20:00.001-05:00

You know the saying:

Last week I treated myself to flowers

No good deed goes unpunished. It's one of my favorites and I use it often.

But this week it's quite the opposite. I'm suffering from NOT doing my good deeds for myself and others. I haven't cooked anything since Friday. I haven't exercised in a week. Instead of helping my son, I berated him for not having his homework organized. I drove my Dad home (who treated me to a FANTASTIC MEAL at Charlie's) but I didn't actually help him. Normally I clean out the fridge or organize something. This time? Nada.

I guess I have done "one good deed". I offered to be part of a committee. It's been a huge time commitment - and I have missed at least 2 meetings. No good deed goes unpunished: instead of catching up on my favorite shows, I'm trying to rid a presentation of passive sentences.... Why did I offer to do this???? I don't know, I guess I'm just a link in a chain....

I could break that chain, have a glass of wine and knit for a while. Tomorrow is a new day to run, to cook, to help the kids. Last week's flowers are withering. But tomorrow is a new day... it's up to me how I allocate my resources.

Lecture Du Jour

2012-02-06T18:10:00.003-05:00

At 86, giving a medical lecture sans notes

It's been a couple of years since my last time in a lecture. And I've been to a medical lecture before, but today I am wondering why not. It was very interesting to listen to a description of pathology, disease and cancer. And the lecturer, of course, was my Dad. He's been teaching the Radiology Technicians at the local hospital for about 25 years. I guess that he should know it pretty well, but at 86 he still has the ability to teach without notes, for two hours (with a 5 minute break).

My father is an inspiration to many. At 86 he keeps in shape by walking and swimming laps, eating healthy and doing crossword puzzles. Actually he thoughtfully copied several in the library today for both of us. I'm not much of a crossword person - but as the NY Times crossword puzzle gets progressively harder, and today is Monday, I actually have a chance to solve some answers.

I have to admit that I've always been a little jealous of my Dad. He's known his whole life he wanted to be a physician. Just last week, when he was helping tutor our son, N said to him "Grandpa, if you weren't a doctor, you would have been a great teacher." Seeing him today I completely agree. Two have two professional talents is quite the feat. I'm still trying to find one that suits me.

My Dad has many faults. (Who doesn't?) But his gifts are many and he's been so fortunate to be in such good health, kept his stamina and his mental faculties in tact.

I'll be very lucky to walk in his footsteps. I just wish I'd followed him more professionally when I had the chance.

inertia

2012-02-05T11:58:00.001-05:00

My old sneaks - currently resting

Objects in motion tend to stay in motion.

This week I feel like an object at rest. My butt hasn't been in gear for anything. I should be running nearly daily to prepare for the Rutgers Half Marathon in April. It's a beautiful day - I should take advantage of the warm temps and the sun.

I should be doing more to build my business. There is incredibly much to do.

I sooooo should be doing about 5,000 other things.

I could even be doing something fun - planning our next vacation.

But somehow my computer is like a magnet this week. This morning I wasted several hours surfing the net. Looking and repinning images to Pinterest.

I'm wasting my precious time.

I never regret exercising, so why is so hard to begin? I slept relatively well. I need the fresh air. I've had breakfast and coffee and now I finished T's Lindt chocolate. All good reasons to hit the road.

Yesterday I went skiing. I had no problem getting myself ready. The only issue: I discovered T had no hat! Seriously? I knit hats constantly - at least 15 hats in the last few years. Yesterday I tried to play beat-the-clock in the car, knitting a hat for T before we got to the mountain. Alas, the curvy roads made me queasy. Even picking that simple project up doesn't entice me.

Objects in motion sometimes need a push. Mine's often a clock: I run about 10 minutes late to everything.

OK clock - do your thing. Body. Get into gear. As I look now, I see if I don't run I won't ever make it to where I need to be by 6-ish (again, the 10 minute rule applies).

Laptop, prepare for your turn to be well rested.

Time to go.

Closet cleaning

2012-02-01T12:35:00.000-05:00

When I run I often listen to Eminem. I enjoy lots of his music, in spite of myself. But even better than music I love running with a friend, discussing our lives, our families, our town... Yesterday KK and I ran 5+ miles of scenic Bridgewater. After we split up I ran to "Cleaning out my Closet" and got inspired to tackle mine. Literally!

The finished product: A lot of red in my closet....

I came home and started to clean our bedroom. First I stripped the bed and put on my favorite sheets. Then I looked in my closet and said ENOUGH.

I pulled out everything on hangers and shelves. I made 3 piles: Keep, basement, donate. (Actually a forth "dunno" formed, but that got sorted).

It seemed never ending. I had so much crap in my closet - it was a haven for "dunno what to do with this, so let's just throw it here and forget about it".

Today I'm clearing out the stuffed bags and reassessing leftover items.

Keep

Basement

Donate

I need to do this with my life. A sort of Keep, Basement, Donate for all of my intangible stuff.

"Keep":
Building my business/my future
Important tasks/work/house
Positive relationships
Goals I want to achieve
Yarn that I plan to use this year (literally and figuratively)

"Basement":
Back burner items
Classes I would like to take, someday
Travel to exotic/expensive places
Yarn that I like but have no concrete plans for using in 2012

"Donate":
Efforts that aren't working or counterproductive
Volunteering overload
Difficult relationships, people who take advantage of me
"Yarn that I will never use" (a euphemism)

I am pleased with my post-cleaning closet. I wonder how it would look if I did the same with my life....

A week in Review

2012-01-29T18:06:00.000-05:00

Tuesday and Wednesday I was consumed with thoughts of political power. How it gets attained and what politicians do once they have it.

A Soccer Mom's View of the Gov.

Tuesday morning Governor Christie took the stage for a Town Hall meeting at Bridgewater's JCC. I was (apparently) one of few Democrats in the audience. I went with an open mind. I didn't learn anything new (I left before the press conference where he made his statement about a gay marriage referendum instead of via legislation through the legislature).

Afterwards I drove a retired teacher home. She wanted me to put up one of the "I support teachers and staff" signs (see previous post). We talked about "soft persuasion and hard tactics". She felt that teachers wearing certain colors of clothes were the softest tactics out there. I told her I found them manipulative - since they aim to get to parents via kids. I said I felt it sends a subliminal message to kids that teachers don't want to be there (she disagreed). Anyway, I was thinking about it some more - only a very few especially close teachers supported me when I ran, and none of my teacher-friends put up a sign for me. Finally I think it makes parents like me feel like teachers don't see how much families in Bridgewater are supporting schools already, unless we have signs up.

In the evening, there were two other "acts of power". The President held his State of the Union Address. My son had to watch it for his Social Studies homework. The "most powerful person in the world" (well, after oil executives and Stephen Speilberg and Bill Gates... and) presented his vision for 2012... and launched his election stump. It wasn't his finest moment: I'm his target audience and I was bored after a few minutes.

And of course, the Board of Education was having a meeting where they discussed ending budget voting and moving BOE elections to November. away the only real power that local communities have to respond to the direction a district is taking. Going to the podium sometimes feels useless because many of the members of the board of education seem to have pre-determined agendas. As voters we CAN yield some power by voting down budgets. For some, this is a anti-tax campaign. For others, it is a way of saying "we don't like the choices that our district is making". And that can mean many things which is why it IS better to state "I am voting no because..." if you do so. I'm not done thinking about this...

40th birthday gift? "When I get old I'll wear more purple?

Wednesday was politics of a different kind. A misunderstanding turned into a huge "thing". Which turned out to be a non-issue, but not before I spent a lot of time and heartache stressing out over nothing!

Thursday night I spent at a meeting discussing the district. Can't say more now, but I can say it was way too long and I have to rethink the amount of time and energy I am committing myself to before I volunteer for ANYTHING.

After a "challenging day at the office" on Thursday I spent Friday rethinking my new business. I have to sit down and make a plan that can work because the status quo isn't what I wanted.

Saturday: I ran 8.3 miles!!!! Then I ate whatever I wanted without guilt. C got highlights in her hair (I caved) and N went to a party, but didn't have a good time. I'm not sure if it is a "thing" or not. He's never asked to leave a sleep-over before... very odd behavior for him. But I mustn't overthink this.... The best part of the day was sitting by the fire and relaxing for a couple of hours.

Today is Sunday. Instead of church or an impromptu coffee date with MR I slept on the sofa with Diego. Later I finished some knitted items. Three gifts. One of them my kids said was "too silly" to wear.

And now it is time to put the turkey in the oven. I should have done that 3 hours ago. Lazy days and Sundays....

The next logical question....

2012-01-23T11:25:00.005-05:00

Last week The Patch had reported on Tuesday's BOE meeting. where, among other things, they discussed recommendations for medical services and tutoring. This brought me to take the discussion (in my head) a step further.

When a kid struggles teachers sometimes suggest parents have their child "evaluated". Although the BOE meeting discussion seems to have been about the appropriateness of giving names for tutoring or medical care, I believe the natural a follow up question is what next?

If "the school" suggests a medical evaluation, should it be obligated to accept a doctor's diagnosis? What if there is a list? Would a doctor from this list would be "automatically accepted" over a doctor not on such a list?

Currently even if a physician evaluates a child and reports the findings to the school, the school's Child Study Team (CST) re-evaluates a child before creating an IEP (if the school chooses them to be evaluated. The school may say the child doesn't need accommodation, even without a CST evaluation). This can be a contradiction to an external professional's findings). Would having an "approved list" mean that the district could drop retesting children, saving the district time and money (not to mention repeated stress for the kid)? Should an MD with specialization in diagnosing children's disorders trump a CST's assessments, or does the CTS know better what is an "issue" based on BRRSD's standards? Getting accommodation for children who are only mildly to moderately affected by a disorder can be very frustrating.

When evaluating making lists, perhaps the BOE should lay out clear policies on what they how BRRSD implements or interprets external evaluations from these lists. (and maybe they have them and I'm unaware).

I've had similar conversations with many frustrated parents. My guess is you also know someone who has a bunch of related questions. Go ahead and ask!

Inspiration... part 2

2012-01-19T08:46:00.000-05:00

Since Vogue Knitting Live I've been so busy that I just finished today's blog.

"When knitting becomes a career" from women who know

Vogue Knitting Live's final Panel was strong food for thought. Entitled "When Knitting Becomes a Career", the message was really transferable to other kinds of businesses. Industry executives like the Editor in Chief of Vogue Knitting, Trisha Malcolm** (3rd from the right) and Laura Zander (far right), owner of Jimmy Beans Wool plus several other incredibly successful professionals shared how they began in the industry and their experiences. At least one panelist admitted that she simply doesn't enjoy knitting anymore because it had become a duty, not a labor of love. Debbie Stoller (far left), author of the famous (at least in the knitting world) book series "Stitch and Bitch" claimed that she actually finds the writing process arduous and hinted that she misses deadlines. Her books (like Fiona Ellis' work) are a fun read even if you don't knit.

Of course panelists discussed a common predicament the world over: achieving the holy grail of work-life balance. Only two of the panelists admitted to having it. Erin Slonaker, the Editor in Chief of Yarn Market News (an industry publication) glanced at her counterpart at Vogue Knitting magazine as she stated that she works normal business hours, and few weekends or evenings (although this panel took place at 3pm on Sunday). Ms. Malcolm replied something like "I know, and I can't believe it. I'll go on Facebook and your status says "I just baked a pie" and I wonder 'how does she find the time?'"

Ms. Malcolm's advice to women wanting to launch a business was to "hire a house cleaner". It must go far beyond that... her 12-hour workdays would lead me to outsource everything. Cleaning is the easiest part. It's driving the kids to activities every day, sometimes beginning at 4 pm and helping with homework that is time consuming.

The one common quality among them (even the pie-baking one) was a strong work-ethic. They had a drive to be successful. Only one of them had planned to make a career of a hobby. Yet somehow they all combined what their interest with a paycheck. Beyond some who launched businesses and needed it to be successful to stave off financial ruin, no one really talked money as a goal. Ms. Zander admitted to making mistakes and near-daily tears. Yet they all had rewarding interactions with people in the industry and LYSs (local yarn shops). They saw a bright future for everyone: brick and mortar stores, online enterprises, a growth for designers, yarn-makers and knitters. Did you know that more people know how to knit in the US than play golf?

As I watched these well-spoken women I thought to myself, each one of them could be someone I know. They were all smart, creative and funny. I realize that success is something we define for ourselves, but they had a common way to achieve it:

Hard work. There's no substitute. It's like losing weight: Eat less, exercise more. Easier said than done.

Oh and if you are wondering about career choices and educational backgrounds? It doesn't matter - most of them had higher degrees... in something completely unrelated to knitting!! I guess I'm on my way then.

The women spoke positively in their outlook for the industry. They encouraged the audience to start a yarn shop even in this economy (my big dream, but not in the cards now).... But according to Ms. Zander if you are serious about starting a new business, perhaps the best thing you can do for yourself is take an accounting class!

Talent, intelligence and practical. My kind of women! Congratulations on a great panel and fantastic weekend. I'm fortunate to have been part of it!

**I wish I could have included all eight panelists in the blog today, but then it was simply too long. When I saw the poster for the panel I commented to KK "with eight panelists, how will everyone get a chance to talk". The only complaint I'd have was that with so many people it was hard for the audience to retain the information and some speakers took more of the spotlight than others. If I could have, I would have liked to have met Kirsten Kapur. She is a local designer and I only discovered her work last month when looking for a locally-produced pattern. A bit serendipitous that she would be on a panel when I'd just bought her work. I wish I could include ALL the panelists in today's blog. Apologies to those talented women who didn't get "a shout out". All the panelists made a contribution to my leaving Vogue Knitting Live inspired and impressed. Pam also blogged about Sunday, including the Panel. You can read her impression of the day here.

Inspiration is all around us....

2012-01-15T21:13:00.002-05:00

PART 1....

I've just come home from two of the most inspirational days I've had in years. I was at Vogue Knitting Live. I feel like I've had a massage and listened to Mozart for two days on a quiet beach instead of the truth: fighting some 5,000 yarn-crazed women (and about half a dozen men - they stand out) in a busy Midtown hotel to touch intricate knitwear.

Yesterday was fabulous. KK and I spent the day together touching hundreds of balls of yarn in all kinds of fibers in every color imaginable. Had we not had a nice lunch and some down time (spent knitting, and watching fashion shows - it was, after all, Vogue knitting) I would have collapsed from sensory overload. KK hangs with local knitters who apparently have unlimited funds so she learns by osmosis and gave me a taste for Tahki and other gems. Like me, she is a woman on a budget. I bought one skein of yarn yesterday and today I bought another skein plus a a book that I had signed by the author today. Not bad, considering I stood surrounded by temptation to spend.

Although I missed having KK with me, today's agenda inspired me inside and out.

I started with a three hour design class with Fiona Ellis. (My friend Pam had introduced me to her work last year when she interviewed her and did a book review last year). Most of my extended family are artistic and creative. I've never called myself an artist (AND I CERTAINLY DON'T QUALIFY AFTER WHAT I'M POSTING TODAY) but...

Picture is on the left, my swatch on rt. Not quitting my day job to design yet.

today I got a taste of what it feels like to create your own designs. It is certainly a feat to make something that works for others too.

I picked the image with the eggs (at the left) as the basis for my inspiration because eggs represent the beginning of life. I liked the softness of their visual image combined with their tactile contrast (which often happens in yarn - you touch something you expect to be soft, but instead it's rough surface surprises your fingers, or the opposite can happen, tricking the senses). Eggs are natural, and I like things made by nature (albeit collected by man). I liked the subliminal feminist message: eggs represent the basis of women's powers, and like women the image shows their curves and roundness, creating life itself. At a quick glance, eggs appear monochromatic, but really (like yarn) they have hidden changes in color, as in variegated yarn.

After focusing on a portion of the image, from a design perspective the carton became more interesting than the eggs (more obvious with the picture in hand). Finally, eggs' represent feminine imagery - imperfect curves, hard exteriors and soft interiors and vary in their form, hue with visible imperfections. As I tried to translate these thoughts to graph paper, and eventually to my knit swatch, I found the negative shape of the carton took presidence over their circular geometrical pattern. Ms. Ellis suggested that I could vary the shapes of the eggs, or even spread them over a wider space. Although it is hard to see in the picture here, I also experimented with the swatch by removing the eggs' color entirely and used patterns (knitting the eggs on a pearled background) to emulate them. The whole experiment would have gone better if in my haste I hadn't grabbed the wrong needles. Next time I try this experiment I hope I will be less literal. Kate (another student) was a much more creative swatcher. Clearly she will go far in her newly established career as a knitwear designer - even Ms. Ellis loved her creative eye. Kate and I had a nice lunch together and I hope we will stay in touch.

Fiona Ellis' class emphasized the importance of powering down. No computer, no cell phone. A simple but vital lesson.

I see why my relatives basque in their creativity and have chosen careers in creative fields: visual, musical or even the written word. This morning's class reminded me that with the proper inspiration, and time, I too can create something meaningful (for me). My first try may have resulted in dull, unimpressive ovals with in a drab background, but to me, this swatch is like the women in my life: full of texture, color and the unexpected.

Tomorrow: Part II. It's time to power down and be inspired by Downton Abbey. I'm sure that there's inspiration in their costumes, the scandal and (for me, at least) their language. I wonder if Fiona Ellis may be turning to PBS (or the CBC in Canada) for design-inspiration too.....

Happiness is a smile...

2012-01-13T08:37:00.003-05:00

Creative?

On Tuesday my son woke up and said "ONE MORE DAY!"

Wednesday he couldn't wait until after school. He attends NJ Film School and it was the first class of the second session. It's nice to have a happy and inspired boy. He is in the children's film making class. You can see their work from last season on the website above.

C is in good spirits, too. Although she doesn't "love" going to Tae Kwan Do, she said "it's great to feel like I'm the best at something". Whether or not she is the best isn't the issue but the feeling of mastery helps build confidence. I've been more relaxed with her too lately and it makes a difference. I hope it lasts.

T is in overdrive. This is his busiest time of the year. He comes home and relaxes by re-building a computer in the basement or building a fire and finishing work fireside. I'm worried about his lack of sleep, but he already has a mother, and he's a big boy.

Knitting: great gifts!

And me? I'm very challenged with the new business, but I'm learning every day.

This weekend is a special one for me. I'm going into New York for Vogue Knitting Live with my friend, knitting blogger and professional journalist, Pam. I've been wanting to go for a very long time. It's decadent - spending money and time on something I enjoy. I'm taking a class on inspiration/creativity by Fiona Ellis and a class on "turning your passion into a business". I hope the lecture translates easily to other things. I can't wait to be filled with the touch of countless yarns and colors in all shades. Two days to forget everything I need to know, and just be filled with things I like with people, who like me, appreciate yarn's creative possibilities and tactile loveliness.

This is nice, but knitters see it's easy

This made the resident teenager laugh: "Vogue? Vogue magazine is hosting an expo for knitters? It has a magazine for knitters? Why? Who would read that?"

Glad I can serve as entertainment for my trendy young daughter. Once I figure out what to wear I'll be smiling all day.... it's Vogue and women (the vast majority) who can see right through my simplistic knits. At least I'm not "knitteratsi" (a real word but I'm not sure how it's spelled). No one knows me, so I guess it doesn't matter.

Finally - a shout out to my lovely sister-in-law from whom I received a lovely HAND WRITTEN note. Remember those? Hope your wrist is better and you are over your cold. Let it snow in Boise! Your card put a smile on my face!

Supporting teachers and staff

2012-01-10T08:47:00.002-05:00

If this were 1978 can you imagine the kids' graffiti?**

Every day I see these signs.... and the Italian-mother-guilt-trip extends itself from the grave and I feel like crap. Mamma-Gloria was a teacher - Spanish, Italian, English and she even covered a French teacher's maternity leave. She HATED PTA Moms who requested teachers and pushed for their kids to get into special programs. "If they don't see my kid is gifted then there is something wrong with the program." According to my Mom teachers knew best.

Yet, she always gave a gift to the teachers at Christmastime (sometimes wine!) and made sure we had what we needed to succeed, but didn't run booths at the Blacktop Carnival. She said she'd spent enough time at school (she quit when she was pregnant with me).

My Dad had a different approach - he came and talked to our classes about Science. At 86 he still teaches a course at his local hospital. A couple of years ago he went into N's 4th grade class and talked about living in London during World War II. Parents still comment that their kid found it very interesting.

I'm very involved, but I'm selective in what I do, picking activities that (I feel) support academics. I focus on the libraries, or when the kids were smaller, helping in the classroom.

If teachers/staff don't get that parents who offer their time to the school are supporting them, what can we do?

Yesterday I was driving up Country Club and passed five signs. I came home wondering if my kids' teachers know that *I* support them? Do they misunderstand this blog (like they misunderstood what I stood for as a BOE candidate)? Do they misunderstand what I say or what I mean when I speak out?

So I asked myself - how can I show my support without putting up this sign? (Which I think supports union propaganda, and education). I did one thing.

I hope that it makes a difference. If every parent did something similar (I wrote thank you notes) to remind teachers that they care, would the signs come down? I feel like they are breeding hostility in an already-volatile atmosphere. A misguided guilt-trip. Can't teachers picket the Wade building instead of their own schools, where kids are pretty much the audience? Or maybe the Municipal building so that our Mayor - who is a teacher - sees their discontent?

I care and I want to show teachers I care. My kids care too, but they don't need to see this. Keep the kids out of the negotiations! "Kids first"? Kids are getting the (subliminal) message first - teachers don't want to be there.

I want them to have excellent working conditions because it reflects on the students. But I also want them to appreciate what they have - a supportive community of families who picked Bridgewater because of the schools. I want teachers who WANT to teach my kids, because teaching is special work. I'm not saying do it unpaid! Or even at an unfair wage - I'm saying that teaching kids isn't like other professions. You have to like children and want to be there, or else you will suck at your job. For years I worked as an administrative assistant. I didn't like the work but I performed well at my job anyway. Teaching isn't like that!

So a few teachers who made a difference in my kids' lives got a thank you. (Not current teachers, it isn't right to do that while they are still grading my kids). Over the years they've had plenty of other kinds of "thank yous". I hope they remember them now....

I support our teachers and our staff... in my own way.

** Image from Dick Bergeron's blog http://blogs.mycentraljersey.com/bridgewater/2012/01/07/signs-of-discontent-with-an-unsatisfactory-process/ Accessed Jan 10, 2012.

Thanks, I needed that!

2012-01-09T10:23:00.000-05:00

It was a very hectic fall. Multiple activities almost daily. Visitors. New Business launch. Homework. Sensory overload. Sound familiar?

Then came December's travel craziness. Florida and back for five days. Norway and back for four days, then I drove to New York State (a 4 hour drive) and back for a 4 hours New Years party (plus sleeping). Skiing in the Poconos. I also was in NYC twice in two weeks.

Last week school started up again - and the to do list was as long as the kitchen table.

After a falling out from the fall on Friday night, the stress of the last few months finally caught up with me and my body demanded "Enough!"

I slept and relaxed more this weekend than in months. I imagine this is what blood pressure medicine feels like. The pillow like a magnet, and my body told me it was time to give in.

Now it's Monday morning. Time to create the weekly to do list. This weekend was a reminder - rest is important too. Make time for it.

Thanks, Dick!

2012-01-08T09:23:00.005-05:00

The Courier's Bridgewater blogger, Dick Bergeron, saved me time by writing a blog that I was planning to write. You can read it here.

These signs don't make me more sympathetic toward the union, and as a staunch school supporter, I assume I'm part of the target audience.

But as Dick points out, it's only a hunch.

After my last experience at a BOE meeting I'm not thrilled with them either, but I'll save that for another blog.

Thanks, Dick. Let's get coffee sometime!

to blog or not to blog

2012-01-06T21:51:00.002-05:00

Writing and reflecting

Most days I write this blog picturing my sister-in-law sitting with a cup of coffee reading in her sunny living room in Boise. I also see, in my mind's eye, a friend laughing out loud because she is sharing a kind of inside joke. At times I envision a parent here in Bridgewater, reading on a home computer, and I wonder who he is and what he thinks.

I sometimes see a far off stranger, sitting in Romania, Israel or Aruba with a TV on in the background in a language I can't understand. An aroma of exotic spices coming from the kitchen.

From time to time readers recognize themselves in my blog. Often they are happy with what I've written, and say so. Sometimes, people read things they really don't like.

It is the latter whom I am addressing today:

This blog is an expression of opinion backed up by the facts as I experience them. That's what a blog is. It is not a news broadcast, and I am not a journalist. I stand by my views, and my right to express them. In the end the reader can choose to take me for my word, or think that I am full of hot air. And, of course, they can always leave a comment, or start their own blog entitled "Why I disagree with Bridgewater's Soccer Mom". (On a few occasions I've removed an entry after careful consideration).

I know how it feels to read negative things about yourself - it happens to me too. One of life's hardest lessons is learning to deal with criticism. People aren't going to agree with what you do, what you say or how you live. But sometimes, you know in your gut:

When you're right, you're right.

Last night's conversation with a discontented reader only solidified my original opinion. I'm sorry if I hurt her feelings, but my original verdict stands and I don't intend on removing the entry. Clearly I didn't change her mind either. That's the thing about opinions, sometimes they are hard to change.

Hightailing to the High School

2012-01-05T09:03:00.002-05:00

Last night was the parents' orientation for the high school.

HIGH SCHOOL. YES - that business-looking complex by the Municipal Building. That place we used to drive by and say "Some day our kids are going to go there!"

The pros:

Lots of options. Your kid wants to do a class in fashion design? They can. Computers? Plenty of choices. There's AP Studio Art (but who am I kidding, C isn't interested in that!!!). Lots of business classes. AP Macro- or Macroeconomics, Forensics, Journalism, Women's studies. I found plenty of things *I* want to do, but that weren't offered when I was a kid. Including something called "Option 2" where students can choose online classes, college courses and other programs (subject to prior approval) at parents' expense.
Kids come out of BRRSD prepared to attend a large university, since it feels more like a community college than the high school I attended. Heck, it's got a bigger population than "Pine City" (a town next to my hometown).
They push students to be more independent
Lots of clubs, and the administration seemed keen on students having extra-curricular lives because if they are involved in school activities, they won't skip as much because they are motivated to attend.
A web-based program called Noviance helps students plan their careers, manages transcripts, requests letters of recommendation, makes sure students are getting their requirements
The Vo-Tech seems like a great program, especially the Academy of Sciences (not an option for my kids, it's too academically advanced/challenging and without having been in AI or E- it seems they won't have the background to hack it). If your kid is into other things, like theater or music the Vo-Tech has half day programs too, beyond what you expect at a Vo-Tech.
There are lots of classes, from AP-to super-extra-help. Kids can also take career exploratory courses to help figure out their futures.

The cons:

The size of the school. 2900 students means that it is a 1 to 250 ration for student to guidance counselor. All serious guidance needs to come from the home. Guess volunteering as an interviewer for my alma mater is actually going to be of use.
With huge classes, how do kids get to know their teachers? Teachers and students need to make an effort to get to know one another in such a huge place. With bad rapport between the union and the district, are teachers feeling so disillusioned that they don't make the efforts needed to get to know high school kids?
Students who want to do a sport in high school but haven't been training in an elite manner have no chance to play. There are simply too much children and the society we live in means they train at such a demanding level, often from the age of 4 or 5, that you can't choose to play a new sport or an instrument in High School. In fact, I understand that lots of kids choose to go to parochial schools so that they do have more options. (Again, not an option for us). One of the parents brought up the limited options for string players, I'd guess that they should also talk to parents of kids who want to do jazz ensemble or marching band. No private lessons? You won't be good enough to get in....
There are so many kids that it isn't possible for everyone to get into the elective of their choices. Reading between the lines, I understand that there are a fair number of kids who have to take 2nd and 3rd choices. My friend said her son always got his first choice... hopefully C will be in the same boat.
If your kid isn't independent, they can get lost - or even fail classes if they are blase' about homework. One of the administrators said that homework is graded as "all or nothing" either you did it and you get 100% credit or you didn't and you get 0%. It is possible to ace every exam and still fail a class if your kid is lazy.
The dye is cast already. If your kid wants to do an Honor Class in high school, and they aren't currently in an e-level, they have to get an A- or better both first and second marking periods. Since the 2nd marking period is about to end, and my kid (and maybe yours) slacked off a bit in December, it's sorta too late. Your kid can reapply in June if they get an A- or above as an over-all grade, but there is still no guarantee. (Again I feel a rant coming on about the fact that they should open up admission to e-classes to more children - see how they do, and if they don't do well enough let them drop down, but that is for another blog).

What surprised me the most?

That I feel like C will do just fine. That the biggest adjustment will be me. Losing my kid to adult life. Letting go so she can take her nest steps. The message last night was to give your kids an academically challenging schedule, without overdoing it, so that they don't get overwhelmed.

Sounds like the biggest life lesson of all: Balance.

(Am posting this now, normally I write, edit, then post - but my to do list (see previous post) is still growing, and now I have 5-6 loads of laundry to fold to boot. First kid will be home in 5 minutes, and I bet she will want something to eat.....)

To do, or not to do

2012-01-02T11:35:00.004-05:00

I'm using google documents for my new company. Since my partner is sitting in Iceland, it makes it much easier to share files. Rather than sending one file back and forth ad nauseam. Possibly the most important file is a to do list (like a GANT chart). It's in color, but sometimes hard to prioritize.

Left: Monday/Tues list, Right: the big picture

Google documents on my laptop works pretty well and is environmentally friendly since I don't use as much paper - but sometimes I need a stronger visual to organize things. As you might know - I'm a list maker. So I created an overview to see where I need to focus. The problem is that now I'm feeling a mixture of a nonchalant "No problem" and "OH MY GOD! HOW WILL I EVER DO ALL THIS?!"

The big list is the overall items. Things that need to get done in general (for work, no personal/family items here).

The little list is the "to do Monday & Tuesday" picked by importance from the big list. But even the first two things could take me a week to sort out.

For now, the best thing I can do is turn off the distractions and concentrate on the task at hand. Taxes, finances and my new website. Sales too.

As RW said a few weeks ago. "You're smart. You'll figure it out."

And so I will. One checked item at a time. It's a new year. Don't be afraid of the challenges you have set for yourself.

Best Christmas Card...

2011-12-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

"You are one of our 50"

That's all that H wrote on her holiday card to us. Otherwise it was similar to most of the other cards adorning our railing, and probably your home too. Pictures of their two-year-old son and themselves with a heart that reads "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from H, T and M." (with their full names)

Many years ago we had a family stay with us for two weeks. We brought them EVERYWHERE. They didn't rent a car, so every time they left their house, I took them. I did all the shopping, most of the cooking and all of the planning for their 15 day vacation. When we saw them at Christmas, I commented on a clearly professionally taken picture of their two kids.

"Oh yes, that picture was taken by Fame (a company). Their Christmas cards were very expensive, and we only got 50, so we couldn't send you one."

The comment still gets my goat. But the night it happened, I went home and CRIED. I felt so unappreciated. How many of the other fifty on their list had hosted them for 14 days?

This year I see Hanna's handwriting and smile. They visited us for an afternoon in April. I have it hanging on the fridge. Whenever I need an instant pick-me-up I can enjoy it.

"You are one of our 50"

A few hours of paradise

2011-12-29T22:41:00.001-05:00

Spent a few hours with N at Camelback. After the whining that the ski boots don't fit etc, (If you've ever skied or taken a kid sledding, you know), we finally hit the slopes. Just Mom and her 11 year old son. He's my cuddling kid. More likely to cry, but more likely to show happiness and affection.

And on the slopes today, he was so proud of his speed. He was proud of (and a bit surprised by) his mom too.

I kept up! No matter how fast he went, I managed to stick with him!

It's also a metaphor. Soon his "speed" will beat me as he becomes more daring and I fall behind.

I'm holding on while it lasts. C has already transgressed to the point of no return. A teenager, like it or not, she's moved beyond my control (but still, hopefully, within my influence). If she wants to she can "outrun" me at any time.

I'm going to keep running, skiing and doing whatever I can to keep up. I guess I'm not ready to let my kids hit a double black diamond without me. Or I'll break a leg trying to keep up. I want them to be independent and ski the highest mountains... just not yet.

Six for me, and one for whom?

2011-12-28T15:31:00.003-05:00

Lessons from breaking out in 2011:

If I had to make a theme for 2011 it would have been stepping outside of my comfort zone. Last year I ran a 10K race in an hour flat, and I started a business in an industry about which I knew essentially nothing. I also ran for an election, which taught me lots of things. I met many interesting people, and I learned that some of the people who are in my life actually weren't there for me when I needed them most. (A good lesson, albeit a hard one, to learn). Others came out from nowhere and rocked my world.

I'm importing fine jewelry

In running a 10K I realized that its OK to do something for myself only. The confidence I gained from making it all 10 kilometers and not giving up (or breaking anything, although I needed a couple of weeks for my sore tendons to heal) was more than any life coach could teach me.

Starting a new business (which began in 2011 but will go much farther in 2012) gives me the opportunity to take the lessons of the 10K and mold them in new directions. My neighbor gave me helpful words to remember, "you're smart, I'm sure you'll figure it out!" I am and I can.

Six for me in 2012:

What I received from SOAB

I'm part of a Social Networking knitting group called "Ravelry". Although I've been a member for quite some time, this is the first time I feel like part of a community. I just finished a great swap called Swap On a Budget (SOAB). The woman who was my "spoilee" is monitoring a new group for 2012 called "six for me, one for you". We each pledge to knit six things FOR OURSELVES in 2012, plus a 7th thing that we will swap with another member in the group. (I'll send a "care package" to someone I don't know, and will receive something from someone else).

As many of you know I often feel like I spend the majority of my time doing things for others. Most of the time I am proud and pleased. Some days, however, I wonder why.

So in 2012, I pledge to do six "things" for myself. That's one every other month. Some of these things I do already, some are new ideas. Starting a business in this economy is, of course, selfish. It could fail easily, but if it doesn't, and it grows into a financial success, my entire family benefits. So I didn't count it toward this list. But here are the others:

1) Go into NYC once a month. Showing tourist/visitors around the city doesn't count!

2) Make Soccer-Mom focused travel plans: Visit my friends and my brother. (I do that almost every year, so continue). This year I should do it without feeling guilty about the money or time away.

My current $30 pair

3) Train for and run the Rutgers 1/2 marathon. A friend gave me the idea at a Christmas party and I laughed it off. I've been thinking about it every day since. It will require taking time to train- much more time than I am spending now. This may require better running shoes than the $30 that I generally budget for my feet.

4) Make dishes from my mom's book of recipes called "From Mother to Daughter". (She compiled all of her recipes about 15 years ago and my cousin made copies). I need to scan it and make it a pdf file first to preserve it. I currently make a few things, but there are so many riches in those recipes. Ribbons... quiches, caponatina, "daddy's eggplant". There's a lot of stuff in there that my family wouldn't touch.... so that's why this is selfish.

5) Go to a "woman's peace and body weekend" at Camp Cory. Doesn't this sound heavenly?

Women's Body Peace Weekend | June 1-3 and September 7-9, 2012

"Escape from your everyday stresses and enjoy the splendor of the Keuka Lake(...)

relax, rejuvenate and revive(...)

Activities may include yoga, nutritional seminars, and exercise classes

as well as all our great outdoor activities including swimming, sailing,

kayaking, climbing and more. (...)

If you wish to be pampered don't forget that massage therapy,

manicures and pedicures are all offered by licensed professionals."

Sick of knitting things they won't wear

6) Knitting six things for myself in a year will take up time and should be sixth item**. But I will generalize it - make things for myself. I can sew curtains for my new office. Who knows where my creativity will take me?

Finally - a seventh: as much for my husband as for me. Spend quality time with my husband. Use the kayak more than once, take more roadtrips together as we did pre-kids.

I know I'll learn something from each of these things. I'll blog about my progress from time to time.

So here is my challenge for you, my readers. What things are you going to do for yourself in 2012?

*******

**Here are the six things I pledged to make for myself in 2012 from Six for me, one for you. I'm not sure if you have to have a Ravelry account to see the images.

In general my goal for 2012 is to knit down my stash and not buy new yarn, or patterns. I have tons of books that I’ve never actually knit anything from and a shamefully large stash.

2012 Bucket List:

1) Attend Vogue Knitting Live (http://www.vogueknittinglive.com/shows/ny12/home) on January 14th and pick one project To Me From Me that I find there. (Yarn, technique, pattern or both).

2) Finish my Mountour Falls Cardigan

3) Frog my Antoinette by Sublime Yarns, but use the Mulberry Merino that I purchased for this pattern for a different TBA pullover

4) Knit a Christmas stocking for myself

5) Mezquita Shawl from the yarn I received from HR, with The Alpaca Yarn Co. Swizzle and something to go with it, if I run out of yarn.

6) Felted DROPS Christmas basket in ”Eskimo” using the Mount Saviour Worsted Wool

Bonus 1: I started a beautiful Dale of Norway sweater in 1991. heilo vm91 I should knit that… since it’s been more than 20 years since I cast on, on an Icelandair flight from Oslo to Rekjavik. I remember being 20 and the woman sitting next to me asking me if I was knitting for my baby. My baby??? Nope! Now I have a 14 yo daughter and an 11 yo son.

Bonus 2: Knit yarn I got from my boss’ wife for a blanket 3 years ago. Gjestal ullteppegarn. After all, I have 15 skeins, and I think I got it in August 2007!

This list is subject to change. :-) In general I need to knit down some of my stash. It’s really silly that I have this much yarn in my closet. :-)

So much yarn, so little time.

A long walk is never bad with a good friend

2011-12-26T08:34:00.000-05:00

It's the day after Christmas - Boxing Day - and it is very quiet at my in-laws' house. My son is out for the day with his little cousins. First they are going to a playland where he and the girls will bounce to their hearts' content. My sister-in-law invited me to go with her, but seflish me... I chose to go for a long walk with my old friend.

After they are done with the "hopping place" my brother-in-law is going to take them ice-skating. I wonder how my 11 year old son will take being shown up by his 7 year old niece. She plays hockey! (And does ballet - very well rounded, I'd say!) I decided that he'll do better without me there too.

My husband and daughter are sleeping the day away. T LOVES to sleep, especially during the day. C doesn't usually sleep all day, but she has been running a fever (it seems, I haven't actually taken her temperature) since Thursday. I have to wake them for dinner soon. It's break...

I just got back from a 90 minute walk with my dear friend IH. I actually came back pink-cheeked and sweating - and it's in the 40s and breezy outside. We walked a little under 6 miles. Our kids were babies together, so we've shared some very important times. We could have talked for 2 more hours. Next visit.

It's strange for me to have NOTHING that I have to do. No housework, no shopping, no laundry (well, I could do laundry, but my in-laws are washing the towels we got them for Christmas), and no cooking. I'll make up for it next year when I'll be hosting. My in-laws AND my dad will stay with us.

If I only knew how to just sit and relax....

Addendum:
It's now nearly midnight here. I've been holding with the airline for nearly half an hour. A problem with our reservation. We nearly didn't get here. Now there are issues getting home. I am lucky that we have friends and family that we are so happy to see, because my current state of anger at the airlines is outweight slightly by my love for the people we get to see every year.

Please excuse spelling and grammar mistakes - I can change them tomorrow. For now it's time to pack to come home!

Holiday thoughts

2011-12-24T05:31:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas to my family who are reading and happy-whatever-you-celebrate to everyone else.

As I write this I can smell Christmas vegetables slow-cooking in the kitchen and mixed with the smell of a beautiful fresh tree, Christmas sensations fill the senses. Christmas carols are in the background (Feliz Navidad, right now).

It's a time for generosity and memories. Let me share a few examples:

When I checked out a Wegmans a couple of days ago, the lady at the counter told me a story. A man bought four $100 Wegmans gift cards. He paid for them, then gave them to them to the check out lady and said that he wanted her to distribute them to four families, with kids, who seem to need the money. He paid cash and refused to give his name.

Later that day she gave one of the gift cards to a Dad who was buying very basic items. He CRIED when she gave him the gift card and explained that it came from an anonymous donor. She said that he could use the gift card for anything in the store. He said, he needed the money for food and would buy that!

***

This week a 16 year old student from Germany was trying to get home. He missed his flight and the airlines said that he couldn't fly until the next day. The problem was he is only 16 and didn't have anywhere to go - he might have had to sleep in Newark Airport alone! A different airline took mercy on him, honored his ticket and sent him home. "What if he'd been my kid?" the agent from Lufthansa told me, "I couldn't do anything BUT send him home."

***

Growing up we had Korean neighbors, the Chuns. Very sweet people. Every year they would bring home made egg rolls as a neighborly gift. We'd open them up Christmas morning, and even though my Mom said we had to wait, we couldn't resist. We ate them right then and there, in our PJs, for breakfast on Christmas morning. Eventually my Mom learned how to make them and for the rest of our childhood, we had homemade eggrolls with champagne for breakfast Christmas morning. (Yes, even as little kids, my parents gave us champagne when we celebrated something... we even had special teeny glasses!).

***

My kids have their own (eggroll-free and champagne-free) memories. In Scandinavian tradition, after opening gifts on Christmas Eve (we open gifts Christmas eve if we celebrate in Norway, we open them Christmas morning if we celebrate in the US), we dance in a circle around the Christmas tree and sing Christmas carols in English and Norwegian. A memory I hope my children my children will remember - and traditions they will follow.

I wish you all very happy holidays, whether you celebrate by following tradition or by breaking the mold.

Tuesday's plan

2011-12-20T09:13:00.004-05:00

1) Do homework with N from 6:30am-9am (check)

2) Take Nicolas to School (very late....) (check)

3) Work (see separate to do list)

4) Call for HVAC quote

5) Have lunch or coffee or take a walk with MR (optional, but hopeful)

6) Return gift to Wegmans, get food and make dinner

7) Drive C to tumbling, then N to TKD

8) ATTEND BOE MEETING. It's the presentation of next year's budget and an update (let's hope) on the negotiations.

Be there or be unaware!

*************************************************************************

Update: Forgot some important must dos - must get winter coat for N. If his grandmother sees that he doesn't have one, I'll get coal in my stocking.

Must send a few cards more - I think I forgot a few people, and now have addresses that I didn't have last week.

Must call my niece to wish her a Happy Birthday

Must get flowers for a special someone who is having oral surgery today. (From my daughter)

Work:

Hit library - make a plan - follow it....

Reflection

2011-12-16T19:36:00.002-05:00

These veggies became a soup soup for a sick friend

(NB: I started this blog on Friday, but published it Saturday at 9am - not sure why it says Friday).

I've spent some time thinking about yesterday's blog.

Rachel comments are spot on - and I've blogged about this very point before - we ALL need to support one another. Women are so harsh on one another. Whether it's directly or indirectly, we all have our own position from which we can help others.

Maybe I'm not building orphanages, toppling Mid-East dictatorships or joining the Peace Corps but we all have our own way to assist others.

I do serve others in my own way. I ran in a local election for an unpaid position on our school board. While I didn't win, I believed that as a BOE member I would have filled a deficiency of representatives who come from and focus on the "middle of the road kid", without an agenda of external backing. Later, I "paid it forward" by helping candidates with their political campaigns - because I believed in they would improve things for Bridgewater.

Finally, it's not the quantity of people's lives we touch, it's the quality. In this capacity I know I've made a difference, and I still do. And I try to be a good mother, wife and friend. I hope that intent counts for something...

Goodness comes in many forms (evil does too). I'm sure you too, my readers, do small things every day, that inspire and assist. You may not even be aware of your impact. Embrace these acts and celebrate them. It's OK to want to do more. We all do. We all can do more. But sometimes you have to reflect on what you are doing to see things clearly. Every positive contribution to society counts.

As I've said many times: mothering isn't a competitive sport (even though it feels like it sometimes!). Neither is philanthropy. "Women in public service" is a broad title and gives a lot of opportunity to help others. Buying a hand-made item at a fair, helping a friend with her resume or a neighbor with a college application, listening to a stranger's troubles and offering advice could be making a much bigger impact than you know. How many times have you thought "she made my day"? We all can contribute to a better world. Sometimes we do without knowing it.

Last night a friend who is a runner made me feel like I could do manage a half marathon. Without knowing it, she inspired me to make a goal for myself. Another friend read yesterday's blog and suggested a great way that I could help needy women. More random inspiration. I hope Rachel found affirmation in yesterday's blog. We all are linked with each other's lives. This may sound simplistic. But it's also true.

Sunny and chilly here in Bridgewater today. Don't get caught up in the hustle and bustle. Take some time for reflection too.

A woman in public service... and one who's not

2011-12-16T11:33:00.000-05:00

I knit "Beary Bear" for children in Africa

Yesterday morning SDB and I took Diego for a walk through her neighborhood. It was a beautiful day. Except for the leafless trees, it felt much more like September than December. We spoke about the state of the schools, ourselves and the world. We talked about our kids - our hopes and our worries. And a little about ourselves. Not exactly serving others.

I came home, turned on Facebook and saw several posts about the Women in Public Service Colloquium. What do I do to mentor young women or serve the public? Yes, I'm on a few committees through the school district, and I chair a book fair here and there, and I donate knitted items very occasionally. But true public service? Am I serving others outside my immediate family in a meaningful way? Not really. Do I inspire anyone? (Yesterday I met a saleswoman at Guess at Bridgewater Commons. She said she was studying industrial engineering at Rutgers - I told her to share that with my daughter and her friends the next time they come in to inspire them (she said she knew my daughter because she stops there so often!!!!). Is pushing engineering to my teenage daughter service to women?) As a stay-at-home Mom, or even as a small business owner, does my position give anything to others? Not really.

We all chose our lives' paths every day. Some are easy decisions: staying informed of local and world news, taking public transportation over personal cars (not really possible here in bus-less Bridgewater, so I don't), writing letters to the editor or a congress person, donating money or time. And even if I do these things, they largely support our upper-middle class Bridgewater community and not the needy in greater Newark or Africa. My disappointment/outrage at Victoria Secret's using African child labor is short lived, and I will undoubtedly shop there again, quickly forgetting this outrage... and my self-promise to boycott VS.

I juxtapose my life with my friend who is the Rector at St. Cross by the Sea in Southern California. She just attended the colloquium I mentioned about. More impressively, her life is focused on others. She serves her church and her community daily. She hasn't marred or had children and her life touches so many others each day as she guides people in her community. Say what you will about religion, but following the path of clergy member requires quite a lot of sacrifice. She directly influences people's lives.

The Rev Rachel lost her sister suddenly while we were in college (while she was studying abroad) and her mother died of cancer shortly after we graduated a couple of years after her sister's death. For most people that would create bitterness, but Rachel went on to teach, and then became an Episcopalian priest. I'm so impressed by her life's path and wonder why mine became so focused on my family instead. Hers is so much more about giving than my own. Even now, in the busiest weeks before Christmas (high season for Rectors!) she is in Washington to learn about new ways to serve and be influenced by some of the most powerful, extraordinary women in the world. Where was *I* yesterday? Bridgewater Commons (our mall) and Wegmans (the grocery store) after taking a 2 hour walk. Later on I drove N to basketball, made tacos, removed the Christmas paraphernalia so T could paint, and nagged my daughter.

It's important to be inspired by our friends to be the best people we can be. As I turn off the computer to wash the floors, I hope I can find ways to help others in 2012. Beyond knitting a scarf or a chemo cap. As I grow my business, I hope to increase my philanthropy... not just by offering a kid a carpool or baking to raise funds for already well-off children's sports but with meaning and generous spirit. Do you have any advice on how a single person with limited resources and time can make a difference? I'd love to hear what you do!

Generosity of spirit?

2011-12-15T09:06:00.001-05:00

Am I as generous in my love as in my knitting?

I just read an interesting (and short) article, called Is Generosity Better than Sex?

As I read it I accusingly reflected about how my husband relates to me. Then I saw there was a self test. I thought the test would be "does your partner do thus and so?" Turns out it questions the reader's behavior toward their loved one.

Today I re-read the article. I realized that I could reshape the contents to look at my other important relationships: with my children, my friends, my family. Yes, the kids get the majority of my time and resources, and perhaps even warmth, but do I give these things with a generous spirit? Do I demonstrate willingness over duty? Am I making them feel guilty for things that I see as my a mother's responsibility? (Much as my mother did to me - Italian guilt, she called it).

The article, which is also from the NYT Wellness blog, ends with a study of three-year-olds which discusses the effect by parental behavior. My kids are well past three. I hope that they see enough of the right kind of generosity in the home to bring happiness into their adult lives.

It's never too late to improve. C already says she doesn't want kids because they are too much work. Am I complaining so much that parenting comes off as a big headache? I want my kids to want love in their lives, not only to get it, but to share of themselves.

And if I give more in all my relationships, hopefully I will receive love in kind.

Happiness is a warm puppy

2011-12-11T21:55:00.001-05:00

Diego - a bit warm

I was going to blog today about something completely different. (The unions and the district are starting mediation according to Dick Bergeron's blog and the Patch. I was planning to juxtapose this to teachers who were volunteering their time, but making it a political statement. Suffice to say: if you are volunteering, you should be doing it solely because you want to.)

Instead of a rant, I am posting this (somewhat fuzzy) picture.

My husband made a fire, and Diego and I enjoying quiet time. I'm knitting a hat for N - a replacement hat that he loved, but has grown out of. I'm loving a quiet evening after another busy day.

I need to learn to shut everything down, and just sit for a little while every day. I wonder if I prioritize peaceful moments every day if I could better handle my chaotic life.

So I'm turning off the computer and returning to my moment of silence. No TV on. Not even music. Just Diego and me. He is panting from the heat, but unable to tear himself away from the sofa. He likes it as much as I do. Click click click. It's not my fingers tapping the keyboard. It's my needles creating an object that my son will (hopefully) love.

Now it's your turn to turn off and wind down with something that makes you happy and relaxed.

It's OVER!

2011-12-10T12:53:00.001-05:00

from earlier this season

I've had some hard times - my mother's funeral tops the list. Moving abroad, then moving back the to US again multiple times, missing everything and everyone I love(d) is also up there. There have been other sources of stress: Lawsuits in which I was a witness and had to "tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but..." only to hear another witness lie straight to the judge's face. I've been on a plane that had a bomb threat. I've had friends and family suffer through, and then die, of cancer. My husband was run over by a truck - and my son had to jump out of it to save himself. Our dog was hit by a car. I've done things that angered my mother for months. I was drunk in front of my grandmother in 198-something and once in front of my kids. I've had heartbreak, and more heartbreak and even more heartbreak. I kissed many a frog before I found a Prince... and even life with Prince Charming sometimes evokes a tear or two. I've gone months without speaking to my siblings (one out of anger, both from busy-ness). There have been multiple family troubles. Friendship breakups - people who I used to speak to daily, and don't even friend on Facebook now. Weight issues. Many Emergency Room Visits. The list goes on and on.

And then there was cheer. The bane of my existence.

And now it's over.

Twice I truly thought I was having a heart attack, only to talk myself down from the Pop Warner-induced anxiety. The expectations for perfection from girls and their mothers alike exhausted me. The Us vs. Them mentality. The pressure to conform, and the unstated consequences for not having cheered with this squad since 2005. All my girlhood anxieties about not being accepted by the popular girls were rerouted into "are these girls going to cast out my daughter?" The perpetual fundraising. The no excuses-mentality. My daughter came home from many practices injured, with bloody noses and bruises across her face, but was afraid to tell the coaches. Girls get punished if they are seen as weak. Their coveted positions hastily given to other girls, only too happy to gain from an injured girl's misfortune.

This week they competed in a national championship in Orlando. The week cost more than a mortgage payment. I almost fainted (literally!) in Magic Kingdom when I got a call from the coaches saying that I'd given C the wrong card - not her "hopper pass" but a card to get into a Pop Warner-only party at MGM. She couldn't get in the park. The entire group (34 girls and their families) were stuck waiting, while the coaches (admittedly, very nicely!) sorted it out and got her a new pass.

Competition at the ESPN Wide World of Sports arena didn't go as planned. Our team had a "major infraction" - possibly a safety issue, but we don't know - and the girls lost so many points that they placed in the bottom of their division. Without the "infraction", they would have placed second.

To me, they really are winners anyway. I was truly amazed by their stunts, their dancing and their styles. I don't care that they didn't place - they looked AWESOME. To most of the other families - as well as the girls themselves - this was an unacceptable failure. The tears lasted more than a half hour and were coming from the deep depths of their broken hearts.

I'm glad those tears are over, too.

Losing is a hard, but necessary, lesson to learn. But I've learned something too. If I let this sort of thing get the best of me, it will. I've never been so angry and so stressed out over so many small details in all of my life.

I'm glad I have my girl back as well as my sanity.

It's good to be home!

competitive edge?

2011-12-02T07:14:00.001-05:00

My son hasn't played a team sport for a long time, so when he said he wanted to play basketball I did some homework. The seemingly least tough-competition within basketball was supposed to be the PTO-run program at his school.

But as soon as I saw the PTO league I realized it was hardly the "low competitive environment." In theory, of course it was. There is one practice and one game per week and everything is run at the school. Its only students at our school and usually PTO-run activities welcome everyone, at any level.

I'm skeptical.... Next week the coaches (mostly Dads and one Mom) will have a coaches' meeting for a "Draft" where they pick their teams.

Not at all the "least competitive environment" I was imagining.

One of N's friends chose this league because N was playing and they could do it together. She did the program last year and liked the coach. He was balanced and fair. A good chance that he'd be a match for N too. So we requested they'd be together on his team.

Afterward Tuesday's try out she called and asked what I thought of another coach (that she named - I've met him but don't "know" him). He saw her son play, and after the try-out asked if he wanted to play for him.

Dad-coaches are actively recruiting players for this PTO-run league-team, so how is this different from rec? The parents are making it more competitive than it needs to be.

Maybe not the right environment for N who just wants to learn to play basketball and have fun.

Just as cheer is ending and I thought my blood pressure had a chance of a break, basketball is starting and a new stress is forming.

Advent Expectations?

2011-11-27T17:08:00.001-05:00

Yuletide knitting

It's the first Sunday in Advent. Always a huge motivator for me to get "stuff" ready. The weather was beautiful here this weekend- sixty and sunny - so I continued with yesterday's yard work. T cut up trees that had fallen in the woods for firewood. C & N helped a little, by my teenage daughter (C) made it very clear: she doesn't want to help us at all!

In a little while I'll pick up around the living room/kitchen/family room and bring in some Christmas cheer. I really LOVE Christmas decorations. I love the colors, the smells the anticipation and the family-focus. I love the return of this yearly tradition.

And I want my daughter to help me decorate so we can bring in the spirit of Christmas together (N needs to prioritize checking that his homework is done).

NOT what I expect

Why is love such a complicated emotion? I'm frustrated by her apathy, and proud of her achievements at the same time. I want to give her everything and five minutes later I feel like she has too much. This week I got an e-mail from a teacher praising her work and initiative. Less than 48 hours later, my husband told me about less than stellar behavior this past week. I hear about other families where the children gladly help in the yard, the kitchen or around the house and I am ashamed that my kids don't help more when asked.

Am I expecting too much that they should give anything more than a lukewarm response to my enthusiastic "come help in the yard" (that gradually changes to COME HELP IN THE YARD YOU SPOILED CHILD!)?

Does any of this sound familiar?

Eat your veggies. (N does, C doesn't)

Clean your room. (C does, N doesn't)

Walk the dog (Both balk, but C more so)

The link below flew around the net a few years ago. It makes me think that I'm not really crazy. Nor a horrific horrible mother. I wonder what the Christmas Carol version of this would be????

Shopping in Style

2011-11-26T10:46:00.001-05:00

Black Friday at the Arnot Mall

(Written Saturday, posted Sunday)

Yesterday (Black Friday) I was in my hometown in Western New York State. My daughter and I spent the Black Friday morning checking out the deals at various chains and non-chains. We found bought a few tings. She found 2 pairs of jeans from Pac Sun and a sweatshirt at Victoria Secret (she had several gift cards from her recent birthday). I bought some silk blend yarn from Wooly Minded, but would have bought more at a large chain had the line not been about 50 people long. We also stopped at The Crossings outlets at the border of PA and New Jersey. We actually spent twice as much time maneuvering parking than actually shopping. The huge crowds helped us to decide that after striking out at a few stores we called it a day. (I did buy a few $7 necklaces at Chicos).

Diego supporting Somerville, NJ

Today is Small Business Saturday. I wish that there were as many small businesses to support as large chains. If a pollster called here and asked me about my opinions versus my habits, I'd have to admit that while I strongly prefer to support a Mom and Pop business, I do spend the vast majority of my money at chain stores. This weekend is no exception.

This morning I spent about $30 at The Hungry Hound. Diego loves to go in there, but sometimes it's hard to control him. I didn't really need anything - we've started to give him leftovers as his main treats, because I like to know what he's eating - but I wanted to support the store, so I picked up a few things. Then I tried to shop at another store that I've been planning to support today for several weeks. But no... they don't open until 11. I don't want to say which store, because I like them, but on a day that is being promoted nationally to boost small businesses, shouldn't they be willing to open a bit earlier on a Saturday morning... like 10am? While I understand that small businesses cannot compete with national chains in terms of labor and opening hours, especially when they create maniac-hours on Black Friday - on the busiest weekend of the year, even smaller shops should make an effort to draw in crowds. I'd already paid for parking, so I really wanted to shop then. It didn't occur to me that the store wouldn't open until 11am on Small Business Saturday on Main Street in Somerville.

Sigh.

And now I wonder: I don't need ANY yarn. I have a closet full. But I want to support the local economy, so do I attend one of the two special yarn sales that Pam blogged about this week? The Far Hills farm is probably about 10 minutes drive from here... (I did buy something at Down Cellar last week). But I simply don't need ANY yarn. Do I support them because I believe in shopping local? Or do I do the sensible thing, save my money and stay home.

Decisions, decisions?

In the end, the most important thing is to try to support smaller businesses over chains consistently. In terms of yarn and dog supplies (though not food), I do. The vast majority of my yarn comes from LYS (local yarn shops). Maybe it's like attending a religious services only on holidays. It's all well and good that you include some kind of celebration (if you believe, that is) into your traditions, but it's much better to be a good person all year long.

I want to support my favorite Somerville shops, like Discover Wine and Alexandra's Boutique, but unless I happen to be in Somerville, convenience seems to always win out. Price, is also a factor. And, Macy's seems to lure me in with their "something for everyone appeal" and their unending coupons. Finally, it doesn't help that the last time I went on a shopping spree, I was parked 15 minutes too long and found a ticket. This is definitely a deterrent to head to Somerville. Disorganized people like me run the risk hidden costs.

Everyone is hearing that as a consumer-driven nation, increased sales will help the economy (whether or not I agree is another point entirely). If I want my local community to thrive, I need to put my money where my mouth is. I just wish I could have gone to one more store this Small Business Saturday morning. I planned to go back in the afternoon but trimming bushes and yardwork won out. After 15 trips with the wheel barrel, the sun set, and with it went my motivation...

Just Checking

2011-11-22T14:57:00.001-05:00

Ho Ho Ho

This year my husband made my life inestimably easier: he bought all gifts for adult family members last summer! No hints, but I'm grateful to be under no obligation to buy as I go enter stores playing "Rudolph". Yesterday I bought the final gifts for our nieces/nephews. Shopping for everyone but our own two kids is DONE. Check!

With a cheer competition in Florida upcoming, this is a huge relief! I've even bought all the gifts for the advent calendar, planned it out and so all I have to do is wrap and number.... Almost check...

Except for some fish that I need to get tonight or tomorrow morning, I'm set for Thanksgiving too. Almost check...

We have opted out of the cheer fundraising, so I'm not spending this week soliciting for sponsors. Check...

I know it will be harried - and stressful, but with these things checked off the list, I'm ready to enjoy Thanksgiving. And that's a great start to an otherwise overwhelming time of year. Ready to Enjoy Thanksgiving? Check!

Weekend Update

2011-11-21T07:24:00.001-05:00

Some of you read this blog for local education/politics, some for the knitting, but my most faithful daily readers, are still family, so let me send them an update.

It was a very busy weekend at Casa L.

Wiesner's visit

On Friday morning I went to Nicolas' school where I heard David Wiesner speak. He grew up in Bridgewater and explained how he gets his inspiration, and how he creates his very detailed books. There is certainly MUCH more than work in each picture than a small child will grasp. He was trained at RISD and his influences include Salvator Dali. There are few benefits to volunteering in the schools, but being in the loop about speakers like this is one of the best. I immediately came home and bought one of his books for my nieces, and today I bought three for my nephew.

Friday evening was a blurrrr... First C had her final day of Cheer try-outs for the Middle School team. Apparently there were lots of talent. But later that night we learned that C earned a coveted spot on the "A team". What's that mean? She will have cheer one day more than the other girls and may go to a competition (they didn't last year). But really the school's team is an easy commitment. Little driving and I don't have to go to any last-minute "mandatory" parents meetings.

Friday evening N went to a laser tag birthday party, and then I went to bunco. I'm sort of joining a bunco group - but even bunco-groups have politics in Bridgewater. Two women want me to join, but apparently someone else (I'm not sure who) wants her friend to join instead. Nonetheless I had a lot of fun.

Got Uggs? From C's party.

Saturday morning brought "Shake the can". C and a few other cheerleaders were "begging for money" from strangers outside of local businesses. I don't need to tell you that I don't like this idea. One hour by a local salon in the am and two hours outside of a local liquor store starting at noon. In between I drove N to a friend's house. Then home to clean and bake....

Saturday evening C had 30 friends for a part'ayyyy. It was LOUD and I wish we'd air conditioned the basement, but I didn't catch anyone drinking (I personally took pizza orders so I could smell breath and check everyone out) and I don't think anyone was trying to make babies, so it's all good.

So much to see at AMNH

The highlight of my weekend? SUNDAY! After untold months of my life being turned upside down by Pop Warner cheer, yesterday I focused only on N. We went to Beyond Planet Earth: The Future of Space Exploration | American Museum of Natural History. Actually we saw lots of interesting things at the museum - we spent almost six hours at the Natural History Museum in New York. (Not to mention lots of money in the various gift shops). N's favorite place in NYC is ToysRUs in Times Square, so, since it was N's day - at 5:30 we took the subway there and back so N could add to his rock collection.

We got home at about 8:30pm. I picked up Diego from the M family who had kept him during C's party and all day yesterday. Enjoyed a glass of wine with them and headed home to bed. N wanted me to keep my promise that I'd watch NOVA with him. I fell asleep after about 10 minutes.... can't even remember what it was about.

It was a great weekend.

It's a....

2011-11-18T08:09:00.001-05:00

Obsolete?

Powerschool is a new tool in BRRSD this year. It's an online grade book that allows parents (and students) to be hyper-vigilant. Like most cyber-things, Powerschool increases access to information until it's TMI. But like many online sources, it's hard to interpret the information. (Have you ever tried to look something up on MedMD? You read the horrible side-effects, but don't really know if you're prone to them, or how realistic they are. Powerschool is similar - you see a 5/10 on a quiz and think "OMG my kid failed a test! She's flunking 8th grade!") It's hard to judge weights - a homework should be less important than a test, but maybe a particular homework is more important than the others? Powerschool is straight forward and confusing at the same time. Also, there are no comments - is my participating, chatty, distracted? Nothing like a good old-fashioned phone call to a teacher to get the real info!

But, in general I really like Powerschool. It prevents surprises and helps parents/students nip issues in the bud. You can choose how often you get information e-mailed to you - and to whom it gets sent. We get an e-mail every other week with an update. It currently goes to T, C and me, but there is no reason why N can't get used to checking his e-mail regularly too.

But, when report cards come home (I think they come home still, and I think it's today), it will be very anti-climatic. No surprises, good or bad.

Sometimes technology is great - an ultra sound tells you many things about the baby in your tummy, including whether you are carrying Heather or Heath. But there's nothing like the big surprise when a baby comes out and the midwife/doctor/nurse/Dad says "it's a girl!" (or "it's a boy" - I've been lucky enough to experience both). It used to be that my friends called with big news. Now I just read about it on Facebook.....

Surprises are at a premium.

Today, I already know "It's an.... A!" (Or B, B+, B-, C...etc.)

Viennese advice

2011-11-16T07:23:00.001-05:00

Last night I put on my PJs as the pasta boiled at 5:45 pm and was in bed by 8 pm. My body says I need more rest. I'm relieved that I stayed out of this contest. Just reading the Patch article raises my blood pressure!

JB would have been perfect. She is well-versed in the issues, has an amazing background and is fair. Since opinions were split (as per the Patch), they could have delayed voting until the two missing members heard the taped interview. Did one side cave to pressure from the BOE President? Hope I misunderstood.

Knit three, purl one. Breathe in, breathe out..... "Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out. You've got so much to do, but only so many hours in a day."
(Thanks, MCM - I've been hearing this song in my mind all week).

Update: This is the Courier's blogger's take on last night.

Swap on a Budget

2011-11-15T07:57:00.001-05:00

Finished this scarf today. A rare thing: To me, From me

Those of you who know me in person know I like to do things for others. But I also like others to do things for me. When my friend Pam told me about "Swap on a Budget" from the Ravelry knitting/crochet site I thought it was a terrible idea for me. I already have at least 10 projects that I've started and not finished for various people, and knitting for a stranger is a bit daunting. What if they knit better than I do? They will see all of my mistakes in a way that non-knitters don't! The big secret (that I'm really not *that* good) will be revealed.

But I've been looking at this opportunity ALL WRONG. It not about giving something imperfect to be criticized by the recipient because the recipient is also a knitter, it will be appreciated more. A fellow knitter knows what goes into creating these gifts.

The best part of this swap is it's $20 maximum. I'll use "stash yarn" to knit with (no new investment there) and buy something on the person's wish list. My "spoilee" is named a woman in Colorado and has two small kids. She doesn't know that her spoiler (me) gets how overwhelming it is to have two kids under age 3.

So this week on my "to do list" I am adding design and start a gift for this Mom in Fort Collins, Colorado. Like me, she writes a blog on parenting. So I've been "stalking" her blog for tips about what she likes.

This morning I finished three items. My Dad's cashmere scarf, a Christmas ornament and the "to me, from me" scarf pictured above. Time to start planning my new gifts. Something for my spoilee, and something for my neighbor. She's sick and could use a pick-me-up. Nothing like making something for others....

Fourteen and counting

2011-11-14T07:52:00.001-05:00

My daughter is fourteen today. She confidently headed out for school today with pin-straight hair, a black guess birthday shirt and optimism that she would make the cheer squad at the Middle School. (Try-outs start after school). She looked like everything I wanted to be at her age: organized, pretty, popular, smart and happy.

Each day I lose her a little more. She was handed to me as a helpless infant, and every year she grows more independent.

This weekend I was given a taste of the challenges C will face as a teenager as girls her age push boundaries. She passed the first test. Tonight she will go to dinner with a couple of her friends - another test. Can they eat like ladies and not get kicked out of a local restaurant? On Saturday she will host her first teenaged co-ed party. Another test. My heart's in palpitations while a hundred "what ifs" pre-occupy my mind.

But this party isn't about me. I'm becoming obsolete as she steps farther and farther into life's limelight.

When they handed me my new baby 14 years ago today, I was thrilled. 10 fingers, 10 toes and a head full of jet-black hair. My baby. Our first child. I was completely unaware that I'd already feel like I was losing her after fourteen years. Last year I blogged about phases of children's lives. The problem is, that increased independence isn't a phase: it's a permanent development. The next "phases" are high school and college. Of course I want my daughter to be independent. Of course I am proud of her ability to manage on her own. But I can't help wishing she needed me for something other than my checkbook and driving her.

And of course, I wish that she was still my little baby girl, where her biggest wish was the easiest thing to grant: to be held in her Mom's arms, nurse and fall asleep. Tonight, she won't even eat with me. She wants to take a couple of friends out to dinner.... without Mom and Dad.

We don't have kids to keep them. We have them to give them away.

A.T. and Me

2011-11-10T18:27:00.001-05:00

Soft turtleneck and cool skirt, Size ARGH

Yesterday I drove my Dad to my sister's house in Pennsylvania. The entire ride to Scranton Dad explained World War II military artillery history - mostly regarding the German attack aircraft and the British defense strategies over London during various stages. I kept asking about things like "how did women make meals with rations" or "when we were so paralyzed (after 9/11) how did the Londoners deal with years of imminent bombing?" He's answer briefly but somehow return to things like how German casualties grew to over 10% resulting in Germans reduced nighttime bombing in London. I have to admit that today I didn't retain much of his detailed knowledge.

Brain-fried from driving in rain, and trying to keep up with his three-hour long history lesson, I made a pit stop at the Crossings Outlets on my way home. After window shopping at Coach, I hit Ann Taylor's outlet. I love their clothes. Tasteful, plain, they have some of my favorite reds, mixed with the neutrals that I wear most.

But... like any vice, there is always a down side of indulgence. Each time I venture into AT (which is rare) I always feel worse than when I got there. Why? Because AT doesn't design clothes for "women like me". Their clothes are for the woman I was 15 years ago.

They may seems appropriate for a broad range of ages, but they don't seem to fit women who have ever been pregnant, had babies and breastfed them (except if you did post-partum workouts with Heidi-Klum or had a certain nip-tuck). Every time it's the same thing - I get lured by their design, and walk out in a sour mood, saying "I'll show them!"

I tried on six skirts, and bought one in a size larger than clothes I bought last month at Macy's. I managed to get away with a size Medium turtleneck. But pants? Nope. One ill-fitting, but cool skirt made it home with me, with I short-sighted, but defiant "I CAN pull this off!"

Retail therapy rarely works. Yesterday it backfired for sure.

I wish I'd paid better attention to my Dad. What was the new tool the British sued that helped them repel German warplanes? What was the name of the engineer who designed bombs for the Germans, and then after the war built up the program to send Americans to the moon..... what was the Tom Lehrer song about him (answer: Werhner-Von-Braun)... And what did he say about Goddard (as in the namesake for NASA's center near DC) who was an American rocket scientist who worked in Europe during the war? What did he do? I know Dad explained it.

History lessons are important - if we pay enough attention. Next time: take notes when Dad tells stories. And stay away from stores that make you feel bad about yourself!

Election Day 2011

2011-11-08T07:29:00.000-05:00

Vote for Jim Ventantonio

It's Election Day.

Remember to VOTE!

Vote for Jim Ventantonio

2011-11-07T07:52:00.000-05:00

Jim with his favorite "constituents", his granddaughters

Tomorrow is Election Day. Finally Bridgewater will be rid of Mrs. Flannery. Her replacement should be the most qualified candidate, Jim Ventantonio.

When I ran for the Board of Ed I was overwhelmed by the support of friends and strangers. My team really stuck by me, and hundreds of people put my signs up in their yards. People still come up to me and say they voted for me. Since April I planned to pay-the-support-forward, so when a friend called me and asked me if I were willing to meet Jim, I was happy to. And I'm very glad I did. Helping Jim (behind the scenes) with his campaign has been very rewarding. I find him inspiring, and really hope that he will win.

Jim has spent a lifetime in public service. He started his career in the military, where he spent time in Taiwan as a JAG officer, and then went into poverty Law. On his website (www.jimventantonio.com) you can read a synopsis of his many forms of service and experience.

A fiscal conservative, he is very active in the business community, and served as a founding partner of the Somerset County Business Partnership. His experience living in Asia will make him more knowledgeable in recruiting foreign companies, like the Chinese telecom giant, Huawei, who recently choose Bridgewater as their US headquarters.

At the recent debate, he promised to keep Open Space open. I am skeptical to the development of these open areas. Our urban-sprawl environment needs space that is simply "green". In my opinion, we need street lights and sidewalks more than soccer fields or dog parks.

While in general there are too many lawyers in Government, Bridgewater really needs Jim's legal mind. He has managed lawyers, hired outside council (or chosen not to) and his experience will be invaluable to tax payers. Jim is the only candidate who brings this background. Our township is in the middle of a huge legal debacle that has brought unprecedented negative PR to Bridgewater. The Mosque issue has cost us dearly and will continue to do so well into the next administration.

As a former judge he is professionally trained to be fair, and as our former prosecutor he knows that there are multiple sides to any issue, but he can make the hard decisions. He is an independent thinker, and I know he will work across party lines to get things done.

On the ticket with Jim are the two other Democratic candidates, John Rooney and Mary Pranzatelli. I know them both personally and they will bring an open ear to our Town Council. They are both approachable people and their election will return two-party representation.

Yesterday the Courier News endorsed Jim as the best candidate. He has publicly stated that he will not take a salary and he be the mayor as his full time job (unlike one candidate, who is a full time teacher and at the debate, skirted a question as to whether he intends to quit his full-time job should he win).

I like Jim. I trust him. He's got sound judgment and strong character. I look forward to voting for him on Tuesday.

Not convinced? Come and meet Jim tonight at La Catena on Rte 22, 5-7pm. No RSVP is necessary and everyone is welcome.

Knit four, pearl four

2011-11-06T09:16:00.001-05:00

Soft cashmere

My Mom was a generous gift giver. The last 10 years or so her Christmas gift giving was rather predictable: cashmere sweaters. The soft, but warm, non-itchy sweaters warmed me in more ways than one. I still have a black turtleneck, a red crew neck and a cream sleeveless crew, all in various stages of disrepair after too much "love". "It's not the age, it's the mileage". Mine are well-used.

If she were here, I think my Mom would approve of my current project. I'm knitting my Dad a cashmere cap.

Four years ago I knit him a thick cashmere-alpaca blend. I remembered how I sat at my son's frustrating soccer games. They were frustrating because the coach only played him (he was in 2nd grade, and this was rec) under five minutes per game! I still have to bite my tongue when I see the coach at school or the pool. I took my anger out on the needles, and knitting him a hat in about a week.

Yesterday was a beautiful Saturday, and I knit as I watched the girls cheer the boys onto a big win. My anxiety about cheer (the pressure they put on the girls to perform, the cost of a potential Disney trip and general feeling that C should be cheered, not cheer on the boys) translated into the first inch of a cap. I cast on 112 stitches, then knit 4, pearl 4. Over and over again as the girls cheered "Let's Get Fired Up!" or "We are proud of you, yes we are proud of you! (Clap, clap)" Certain moms were drowning out the girls in their own excited cheering, and while I did yell a bit, louder voices drowned out mine too.

I wish I could tell my Mom about my knitting, about my life and about my great friends, whom she would have loved for their humor, their wit and their undying support. I also wish she could give me advice. The hat I knit my dad on soccer fields years ago is gone. I secretly blame my sister or her husband for "permanently borrowing" said hat. As I knit this one, I wonder what advice she would give me for diplomatically telling them to keep their hands off Dad's new hat... I'm pretty sure that she would defend them, saying they would never steal it, and that it's more likely that Dad lost it, but who knows what she would say?!

I still wear my hole-infested sweaters, and think of my Mom. I should replace the black turtleneck, since I wear it a lot - almost weekly - and she wouldn't want me to walk around in a sweater with holes. But I'm not as generous with myself as she was with me. Besides, always on the lookout for a bargain, she would balk at today's prices.

So instead, I knit one, pearl four. For my dad, whom I adore....

Update:

Finished the hat this morning. It is so soft. Perfect for Dad's bald head.

A teachable moment?

2011-11-04T13:15:00.000-04:00

Bad apple for the teacher!

Just a friendly reminder to a certain teacher, and any others to whom this applies, the BRRSD Board of Ed have very simple, but easy-to-follow guidelines about conduct towards kids.

The Board believes that a safe and civil environment in school is necessary for students to learn and achieve high academic standards. Since students learn by example, school administrators, faculty, staff, and volunteers are required to demonstrate appropriate behavior, treating others with civility and respect, and refusing to tolerate harassment, intimidation or bullying. Harassment, intimidation or bullying, like other disruptive or violent behaviors, is conduct that disrupts both a student's ability to learn and a school's ability to educate its students in a safe environment. Therefore, the school district will not tolerate acts of harassment, intimidation or bullying.*

If you are taunting my kid in public, asking him in front of his classmates if he "likes getting zeros", YES, Mom is going to call you out on it. 1) Grades are private - especially failing ones. 2) I consider this to be disrespectful and inappropriate.

And if, as Mom, I e-mail you saying the above in a professional tone, but calling you out on your behavior, don't whine back in an e-mail that I'm being mean!

You want to see mean??? Look in a mirror!

* Cited from http://www.brrsd.k12.nj.us/Eisenhower.cfm?subpage=2298

New Start

2011-11-03T09:31:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's the coffee kicking in. Maybe it's the weather forecast: Sun and 60s F. Maybe it's my husband entering the kitchen in a cheery mood, and eating his Special K. And maybe it's that both kids are back in school...

but I'm feeling very optimistic this morning. Can you feel it too?

Although I had a setback in my business the other day, I'm looking forward to trying again. To that end after hitting "publish", I'm going to get dressed and hit the pavement. It may be a recession, and people may still be skeptical about purchasing unnecessary items (if only I were in the generator business!), but I still believe that hard work pays off!

I am also going to have a knitting-lunch (like a working lunch, but with yarn and needles) with my talented friend, Pam. She knits fast, knits with bold colors and isn't afraid to rip up something that isn't working to try again.

Tonight is the Bridgewater Mayoral Debate at the Municipal Building. I'm already supporting Jim Ventantonio, as I know him, respect him and think that his professional experience and leadership would be an asset to the Township. Nonetheless, I am really looking forward to hearing what all the candidates think. I encourage you to come too, especially if you are undecided. I believe there is still time to submit your questions to the Courier, who is sponsoring the event.

Happy Thursday!

A lesson not learned

2011-11-02T10:02:00.001-04:00

Hasn't BRRSD learned from it's "best and brightest"? (I.e. The obnoxious parents who live in this district.)

The lesson BRRSD should learn from them? The squeaky wheel gets oiled.

Yesterday morning I got an e-mail stating:
We have been in contact with both power companies (PSE&G and JCP&L), but at this time they are unable to provide us with a specific timeline for power restoration. Bridgewater Township has informed us that roads are in much better shape today and therefore we are expecting buses to have an easier time in picking up students.

(And then an update last night)

Dear Parents, Staff, and Community,

Van Holten School, Hamilton School, and Eisenhower School are still without power and will be closed tomorrow, Wednesday, November 2. PSE&G is currently at the Middle School and we have been told that electricty will be fully restored by 11:00 PM tonight. Therefore we are anticipating that the Middle School will be ready for opening tomorrow morning at regular starting time. All other schools will open at regular scheduled start times tomorrow.

Many parents have asked when the remaining schools will be open. The best I can offer is that JCP&L has stated that they will not be in the area until Thursday. We are pushing hard for them to be here sooner. Also, the Bridgewater Public Library wanted me to share with parents that they will be showing drop-in movies tomorrow from 12:00 noon to 5:00 PM.

If there are any changes to this email, I will notify only the parents and staff members of the affected schools tomorrow morning. As power is restored to the remaining schools in the next few days, I will notify only the parents and staff members of those schools. This will be the last eblast sent to the entire school community, but I will continue to issue daily updates on the district website.

To summarize: Van Holten, Hamilton, and Eisenhower are closed tomorrow; all other schools including the Middle School will open at regular start times.

Sincerely,
Michael Schilder, Superintendent

Aren't schools, like hospitals, a priority for electric companies? Where are the politicians??? Why can't the District, together with the Township, or even regional representatives, lobby strongly enough to persuade companies to prioritize returning power to schools?

I'd be happy if our schools would open even without electricity. Yes, I know that would break fire codes, but for thousands of years children learned without electricity. (Allow me to fantasize in today's blog about a school where learning takes precedent over administrative restrictions). Couldn't we somehow think outside of the box and double up in classrooms - splitting children across the district? Alternately maybe we could find space offsite, like sending students/teachers to RVCC's theater for character education, or for an astronomy lesson at RVCC's planetarium? I'm sure with some out-of-the-box thinking we could come up with great opportunities. And if parents didn't want their kids to go to an off-site location... then could choose to keep them home. Plus, kids who are living in houses without heat can get warmed up during the day.

Necessity is the mother of invention. I'm ready to let our creative juices flow because if nothing else, I've learned this: I'm not interested in home schooling! Nor am I happy about losing Spring Break to unplanned days off in October and early November. Snow days are fun - when there is snow. This year each snow day will be a reminder: our kids (at least at the schools that are closed) will be sitting in classes when the rest of the district - and the rest of the country are kicking back

Have kids hand-write persuasive letters to the various power companies, or maybe write emergency management guidelines for the Township. We can turn this into a math lesson (budgeting the cost of a generator - or profit and loss for local businesses, or power necessary to run a town). Use physical ed time to pick up branches (I'm joking, of course).

Of course I realize that JCP&L is the real enemy here, not the district. But as I'm not a JCP&L customer I feel I have little recourse. If I were their customer I'd be calling every five minutes. E-mailing the Mayor, the Governor and anyone else who will advocate for me. As parents we should also be up in arms. Our kids in this section again are not getting the education that the rest of the district is.

Take them back, BRRSD! Teach our kids! They're all yours!

Lucky in Bridgewater

2011-10-31T11:08:00.001-04:00

Saturday

Too many families in our neighborhood are without power. We are the lucky ones. Our street has power, and we even have internet, cable and phone. Last night IL slept over so he could get to school in the am. His house is without power, but it turns out, so is his school, so it was just a surprise sleep over.

C is getting her Halloween wish: to see Paranormal Activity. Another electricity-less friend is taking them. In the mean time, I'm getting the house cleaned up. T comes home after a week away. Clean sheets, clean towels and maybe a clean dog.

In a few hours I'll light the candles, and hand out the candy. I miss having little kids who need me to walk with them and relish in the preparations: planning and carving the pumpkin, painting faces and post-Halloween celebrations. I wonder what to do with our dog. He scares everyone with his doorbell response. "Ruff Ruff Ruff!" (Translation: WHO IS COMING TO SEE ME??? SOMEONE IS HERE! LOOK! Sounds like "HOW DARE YOU COME AND TRESPASS HERE. I'M GOING TO EAT YOU UP!") Want to scare the kids on Halloween? Ring our bell.

Hope you, my readers, have power and warmth. And that you indulge in moderation.

Lørdagsgodt

2011-10-29T09:25:00.004-04:00

In Scandinavia kids look forward to Saturday. No day care or school. AND they get "Saturday candy". Yes, on Saturday kids all over Scandinavia get treats that they don't normally get during the week.

This morning all of New Jersey is on high alert: SNOW is in the forecast. WHYY said that it's the first October that we'll have had snow in 40 years.

I've decided that the antidote to impending snow is my own version of Saturday goodies: vanilla coffee, pumpkin candles throughout the livingroom, NPR in the background (they just did a charming story comparing finances using candy corn) and as soon as I hit "publish" on this, I will continue knitting Christmas gifts. I'm working on several projects at once, as usual. Since tomorrow I need something that I can knit without counting or thinking in the car, today I am doing a pattern that I need to follow carefully. I have some time to treat myself to what *I* want to do this morning.

Later on we will be at a Haunted House that the kids are working. I hope they aren't planning to cancel due to snow. As you know, I love winter climates and I love snow, skiing and the juxtaposition of a cold outdoors with a cozy living room. But I also like years when the seasons do what "they're supposed to do". Summer should be hot and dry, spring should be warm and breezy and fall should be a mixed bag of temperate days and cool nights. Rain is acceptable, but I think snow belongs in winter. But since it's coming, I'll plan my Saturday treat accordingly: hot coffee and knitting by candlelight.

Like anytime I get an unexpected guest, I'll do what I normally do. Change the sheets (to flannel). But melt fast, Ms. Snow... on Monday America has plans.... and a good guest knows when to leave.

Expanded horizons pays off

2011-10-26T10:19:00.003-04:00

Bridgewater Raritan School District does not host year-long exchange students. While I lament our large class sizes, I really believe that this cultural experience brings a lot to the host community and is worth an extra few bodies in a high school of approximately 3000 students.

Yesterday this experience brought me financial gain. Who would have thought that twenty five years after meeting her, I would go into business with another foreign exchange student? Although we have been in planning stages for months, this weekend we launched our business and made our first sale.

It's terribly short-sighted that we don't host students. Bridgewater should, at a minimum, have a one-for-one policy (if a student goes on exchange, we can host a student in his or her place). There are lots of stories of how exchange years change students, and enriches host families, and the community at large, but it's something quite different to hear (or even write) about a business venture that starts twenty-five years afterwards! When I wrote my essay about why I wanted to be an exchange student, I'm sure I used the same expressions that are in the marketing materials: I wanted to "expand my horizons" and "try new experiences" or even "make new friends" and "learn a new language". And while I've been paid for translations many times (so you can argue I've already had financial gains), this life-changing adventure is not what I expected even two years ago, much less when we met in Helsinki in 1986.

I know there is little I can do to change the Superintendent's mind about exchange students. It would be different if we were trying to host one (which we should do, but I can't imagine at this point - besides, we host plenty of foreign guests already). Still, I can't help but appreciate even more that my school in Lahti welcomed me - enriching my life, and making friendships that have endured two and a half decades.

I've written about doing things beyond my comfort zone many times over the years, which started in 1986. At the risk of overusing this metaphor, I'd say this is another one of those times. Long live the unexpected adventure! Fasten your seat belts. It may be a bumpy ride!

More Scary Than Halloween

2011-10-19T09:13:00.001-04:00

Happy Wednesday, Folks...

Higher Education Bubble by Savings Account.org

Hard Work Pays Off

2011-10-18T22:22:00.000-04:00

That's been the mantra in our household. Whenever C or N accomplish something, that's what they hear from us.

Tonight I heard an inspiring speech by US Congressman Rush Holt (NJ, D-12). (Of the slogan, "My congressman IS a rocket scientist"). He basically explained that he got elected in a highly R-district through HARD WORK and DEDICATION - and hard working supporters. It was a highly-political speech as it was at a Democratic fundraiser and targeted to the audience, but I really loved what he had to say. He's intelligent, compassionate and really made me believe in him as a representative. (He isn't ours, but may be with future redistricting).

I'll write more about the dinner another time. Dad was my date - he "won" a set of Shakespeare books at the silent auction, and he's very happy. I "won" 2 bottles of wine (from the basement of a collector, whom I trust has excellent taste in grape juice). It's good to have something to look forward to when I need to reward a job well done.

Girls behaving badly

2011-10-17T17:07:00.002-04:00

I'm not a fan of bullying.

Last week I witnessed an incident of it in our schools. Something that won't make the new state-mandated programs, nor show up in the districts statistics. No calls to the principal. It was typical - the popular girl from the powerful clique pushes the new bespeckled, quiet girl to get what she wants. No, it wasn't the straight forward physical pushing that you see in the movies. It was the behind-the-scenes "you will do what I want or else" kind, that is so hard to prove.

Either way it's wrong. And it still goes on.

There was another incident this weekend - the popular girls laughing and talking about an incident. The unpopular girl walks by, the laughter stops. The girls stare at one another. I am sure I will witness more as the season progresses. It seems that old issues die hard.

In yet another circle one girl does something that the rest of the group doesn't like. Long after the incident is forgotten this girl still isn't welcome "to play with her old friends".

Even among some of my closest friends I see gossip and judgement - not the supportive loving behavior I want to promote. Of course I'm guilty too sometimes.

There are plenty of examples in a neighborhood near you!

Unfortunately this spiral won't end... I'm not talking about the Middle School, or even students at all. I'm talking about Moms. When do we get the policy in place that women have to be nicer to one another, if only to teach our children to be better people?? And if we see bad behavior (in ourselves or others) how do we best address that? Have any of you ever explained your own behavior with your daughters and/or sons, or are you, dear readers, beyond reproach?

With last week's incident, I've seen this bully in action for all the years we've lived here. I don't have the guts to face this particular bully and call her out on her actions. Hopefully someone else will someday. We can tell our daughters that they should make new friends. I am following that advice too. Until then, all I can say is I've been on both sides of this circle and it always ends badly.

The good side

2011-10-14T09:03:00.001-04:00

She looked darling this morning as she left for school. Really cute. Black football jersey, black, red, silver and white ribbon in her curly hair, big smile on her face.

I've always been a bit ambivalent about my daughter's looks. We get comments all the time on her looks, and have since she was a newborn. Women stopped me in the mall to compliment her. I'd shrug and say something like "oh, baby gap makes all kids look fantastic".

The truth is I've never been beautiful and I don't know how to handle my daughter's looks. From a pretty young age I was traumatized by my curls. I was too skinny, and then "too flat", and then fat. The closest thing I got to a compliment was hearing that my mother was so very beautiful (she was) and occasionally hearing that I looked like her ("better that than looking like my Dad" I'd reply. He looks a lot like Hitchock.) Now "you look like your Mom" is the best of all compliments.

When people say she's pretty, I usually say "as long as she's nice". Or something equally evasive. How could my husband (he's kinda cute, if I do say so myself, but model-like looks, um....) and I have such lovely looking children??? In that sense, my kids are both freaks of nature. They look like us, but much, much better.

But this morning, in her happy state, curly (but not too curly) hair tastefully done with a cute ribbon, off to school with her confidence and her Very Vera school bag, I was really proud of my daughter. A girl with the whole package and the world at her feet. Tomorrow is her first competition with her new team. They showed their hard work off to parents, and they looked ready to win. C left the house strong, confident and happy.

Beauty that's more than skin deep. What else could a mother want?

A picture. Wish I'd taken one, but I hope I've captured the moment here.

PS Would I have chosen cheer for my daughter? No. But that's the unpredictability of parenting. You don't know what you will get. I never thought I'd be the mom of a beautiful cheerleader. With all the sarcasm, complaining and criticizing I do on this blog, I hope you'll indulge me in a minute of bragging.

Why not?

2011-10-13T08:10:00.001-04:00

Last week I saw a lot of people while working at the Book Fair. Several asked if I would run for the open seat on the Board of Ed. I also spoke with someone last week who conspicuously did NOT ask if I would run.

I told them that I have no intention of running for this open seat.

When it's a mid-term opening, the sitting board picks the replacement from among the candidates (who sent in cover letters, resumes and filled in a form), in consultation with the Superintendent. I've been through this process before, and see no need to try again.

By my calculations, I have less than a 50% chance with these odds.

I'm not trying to sounds self-depreciating. The good thing about running for office is people show what they think about you. That includes BOE members. While a few members reached out to me to share well-wishes, most of them clearly didn't want me on their side of the table. As with any election, this appointment is a numbers game. Instead of needing a couple of thousand votes, I'd need five - and it's much easier to predict based on the past. My unscientific poling (well, my experience with the BOE members) tells me that of the 8 members who vote, two would vote for me outright, based on the their opinions of who I would be as a BOE member. One would vote for me over others if all candidates were equally qualified. Another two might vote for me if the other candidates were significantly weaker than me (and they don't tell you who is running until the end), and at the final three members would never vote for me no matter what.

Also, I believe that the BOE does what many businesses do: asks someone whom they want to fill the position to apply. In the workplace, this isn't a guarantee that you will get the position, and here it might not be either, but for me, it discourages me from applying.

If the BOE really wanted me, they could have had me. Why put myself through a losing battle? In six months there will be an election, and voters can choose their favorite candidate, a more balanced process. When it comes to trying to get on the BOE and not making it, I've been there, done that. Got the yard signs.

Steve

2011-10-06T21:20:00.000-04:00

What a life to have lived! Steve Jobs really had it all: family, inestimable talents and more money than most countries... but he still couldn't beat the Big C. Still seven years is more than most pancreatic cancer victims can bank on, thanks to unbelievable opportunities to access to the world's best medical care.

Everyone was talking about his Stanford commencement speech. I have to admit that I haven't had the chance to hear the entire thing, but what I have taken from it is that if you live life doing what you believe in and you love, then you are a fortunate person.

I may be exhausted and stressed out, but my day was as follows: I spent the most of the night caressing my daughter's back as she hacked away. (She'd cough, I'd wake up and rub her back, we'd fall asleep, then repeat - at first I would run from my room, but then I just crashed with her, as it was almost like contractions: every half hour or so a coughing fit, then every 15 minutes, every 10 minutes.... etc.). Then I spent from 9am until 7pm selling books to kids at my son's school. In the two short breaks I took, I spent time with my Dad, came home and made dinner for my family. Now it's bedtime...

So really, I spent the last 24 hours doing what I love for the people I love and for my son's school direct benefit and our community at large, indirectly. While I can't bank on Steve Job's bucks from living this kind of life, I certainly can know that it was a day well spent. If my husband were able to work less this week, it would have been even better. But thanks to Steve's ideas of changing how we use computers, T and I could still communicate a bit during the day. I'm going to send him a youtube link to wish him good night.

For Maggie

2011-10-05T22:03:00.000-04:00

Normally I never mention anyone by name in this blog.

But today, this dedication goes out to Maggie! She helped at the Book Fair, even though she is chairing another this week. She's always got my back, no matter what the crisis or moment of joy.

And tonight, as usual, she talked me off the ledge after I angered the Cheer Gods. I had the balls (and the poor judgment) to ask the head coach to send out an e-mail requesting that people use digression when hitting "reply all". The coach clearly didn't like my insubordination (even though 4 different parents were complaining to one another, as we were waiting to pick up our kids and 2 parents addressed it publicly already). I thought I would bring it up privately. The coach wondered what I was talking about! For the record, today alone I got 26 e-mails from the cheer team. About 5 concerned me. And if you read yesterday's blog you can guess I got more e-mail than just regarding cheer.

Now my daughter is upstairs worrying about the coach's retaliation. She, The Sacrificial Lamb... and I, the girl-ridden mother who threw her first born under the bus!

Again, Maggie had the right words of wisdom... but they weren't necessarily to be shared....

Lucky are we who have her in our lives!

"I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends...."

And for those of you who prefer a little edge:

Dino's out there..... in the Woodstock audience.... if he's watching this nonsense drama from heaven I know he's laughing at me for letting it get to me.

"Short term idiocy, long term results"

2011-10-04T12:50:00.004-04:00

I'm not taking my own advice: too much focus on the short term can have adverse effects on the future.

Yesterday was a hell of an example of that.

I spent 10 hours volunteering at the Book Fair that I'm chairing. I will be there six hours today, tomorrow and Friday and 8 or 9 hours on Thursday. A very intense, but short-term volunteer gig, but a huge time commitment nonetheless.

Yesterday I lost focus on my long-term plans: I should be working on launching my new business. I should have prioritized that. There is so much to do - both unexpected last minute paperwork and things that I could have already been working on for a while.

I also have several other things that needed my attention. I'm volunteering for 2 other organizations. Both of them take considerable amounts of time. Again, they have to come second to the paying gigs, but didn't last weekend.

We have been reorganizing the house so that things aren't always such a mess. This takes time. Last week it was the upper cabinets in the kitchen. This week the lower cabinets with the ever-dreaded baking drawers. Yuck and Yuck! But the results? The top shelves look better than ever. Everyone in the household is more agreeable with a clean kitchen! Not staying as clean as it could with me at the BF for 10 hours.... and not getting better this week.

But another "Oh Sheeeeet" moment thanks to the Book Fair? I forgot to make a change to airline reservations within the 24-hour window so that we could stay longer, and my husband could return earlier from our visit to his parents. I had promised myself I'd get that done. Now? Each change would cost $250, plus any difference in fare. Guess we are coming back on Tuesday, not Thursday. It's literally the "oops heard around the world!"

And my plan for myself - long term? Stay at my weight. Important for me, and my loved ones. When was the last time I broke a sweat? Um.... September...?

Today I can fix some of these kinks. Well, not much I can do about airline tickets, we're not spending $1,000 on change fees, we'll come home on the Tuesday. That's just the way it is.

Guess sometimes it's easier to do as I say, not as I do.

Short term savings, long term idiocy

2011-09-30T08:51:00.003-04:00

Update:
I published the part below a little while ago, then checked Facebook and my friend who (with a PhD in Ed from Columbia U) has built her career building schools in Africa published an important link. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful and to see maybe I should be putting my efforts elsewhere? My kids can probably read and write better now than the vast majority of children on the African continent. Read this.

****
And now back to the scheduled blog:

If you ask people what irks them about the district, there are lots of answers. But native residents my age remember very clearly that they closed a high school due to low enrollment right just about the time that the Township handed out a boatload of building permits (with a conservative estimate that there would be 1 kid per household in these 3, 4 and 5 bedroom houses/condos). And thus a major overcrowding problem was born. (That's the short version, not all of my readers live in 08807, and if you don't, you might want to stop reading now).

So when my dear friend sent me THIS (before coffee) I truly thought I was going to be ill! I have been a huge proponent of fixing the class size-imbalance - but I have NEVER advocated for closing a school.

Here is what the Patch said:

The board came into the meeting with six suggestions outlined by the administration for possibly handling the redistricting issue. They are:

Moving the AI program from Adamsville to decrease enrollment, with the goal that it could be done by September 2012
Move 42 students from Adamsville to decrease enrollment there and increase it elsewhere, with the goal of doing so by September 2012
Perform a district-wide enrollment shift to balance the kindergarten through fourth grade schools, to be done by September 2013
Perform a district-wide enrollment shift to balance kindergarten through fourth grade, and the intermediate schools
Close one kindergarten through fourth grade school with a district-wide enrollment shift to balance the remaining schools
Close the Wade Administration Building with a district-wide enrollment shift to balance the schools for grades kindergarten through eighth.

To ME fixing the imbalance has to do with busing kids from more crowded schools to the less crowded ones. An inexpensive and relatively painless fix. It can be adjusted easily year to year - although families want continuity in their children's schooling. This doesn't have to be a very big deal - lots of kids from Milltown could go to Bradley Gardens (and similar fixes on the other side of 202/206) and the kids are literally going to the same school as neighbors a few blocks away. And the disparity between Eisenhower and Hillside? A letter going to parents at all elementary schools now saying their kids may be chosen to attend Hillside instead this fall, so parents are aware and not bamboozled. Then move 100 kids (or whatever is appropriate) when the time comes.

Again, quoting the Patch:

It was that sixth recommendation, to close the Wade Building, that drew the most discussion from board members.

“I think that one is untenable,” Brookner said. “We have facilities in the Wade building that would be too expensive to duplicate, and rooms that are set up specifically to be accommodating for meetings.”

“There are things in this building that would require a lot of money to move elsewhere and duplicate elsewhere,” he added. “I don’t think it’s worth the money when there are options that I think are better.”

Closing a school is a better option than closing an administrative building?? THIS IS THE SAME MENTALITY THAT HAS PISSED OFF PARENTS FOR YEARS! We asked for cuts to administration instead of the classroom, they cut 65 teachers (and outsourced the janitorial service). Now, people are complaining about class sizes, and they are saying "close a school, but keep the Wade building in tact!" Many schools around the country, my home High School included, have district administration in the wing of a school. That would also help one of the main "concerns" about our administration: it doesn't know what's going on at schools, because the Wade building is so far removed from most of the schools. This would force the administration to be face to face with both parents and students on a regular basis. More parents are likely to address an issue, if the access to the administration doesn't require trying to find the Wade Building (if you live in Martinsville, the Wade building is easy to find, for some of us,where Washington Valley Road isn't our Main St., it's harder to find).

I like Cindy Cullen's common sense approach, but I hope she has the volume to be heard over some of the male BOE members who like to be the loudest (ie strongest) voices. Her approach has worked before, so keep it up Cindy!

It's funny, I was just writing how I hope they will open up the process to parents beyond their "close circle of friends" (I've been on this invitation-only committee list before, but most of the BOE can't wait to wear a red tie to my funeral) and an e-mail came from my son's school inviting any parent interested to help.

Way too much stress before coffee!!!

Then finally, to ruin my first cup of coffee.....

12 people applied for Anda's job and went through an open interview. Several of the candidates would have been great, but only Anda had been a board member before. Now she's leaving. I don't know Anda personally, I don't know why she's leaving (I am sure it's legit... but I'd like to think that I'd have stayed on even with personal issues that arise, which is why it the position became vacant to begin with). http://bridgewater.patch.com/articles/board-member-anda-cytroen-resigns

All I have to say is:

Heading homeward

2011-09-27T08:53:00.001-04:00

It's funny - I've lived in this house for 7 1/2 years (the longest I've lived anywhere since HS graduation). I helped design the kitchen, helped pick every color on every wall, except my daughter's room. I helped pick every piece of furniture and everything on the walls. I bought or chose (from my parents art book collection) nearly every book in the living room/family room.

But I still feel like driving to my Dad's house is going home. Once a small town girl, always a small town girl. Tonight I'll sleep in my childhood bedroom. The canopy bed is gone, but the memories are all still there. As are many of my friends. I'll see a few of them too, taking very familiar routes to get from place to place.

Formally the reason for my trip is to take my Dad to a dental appointment. He has a 3 hour appointment for bridge work and he's worried he won't get up on time (and I'm worried he shouldn't drive home if they give him pain killers). But any trip home is as much about me as it is about visiting the people who live there. Can't wait. Love my home town. Wish it were closer...

Cheated

2011-09-26T10:51:00.001-04:00

Just finished a book that I read in just under 48 hours. Writing on My Forehead. It was a beautiful story and I really fell deeply into it hardly putting it down last night, even though so many generations and names of Aunts and Uncles were hard to keep track of.

I loved it...

It was about Saira, an American-born girl of Pakistani-Indian descent who lived with two distinct cultures. The American-bread culture of suburban Los Angeles, where she attends public schools juxtaposed against the conservative, yet vibrant, traditions of her parents' culture.

I was seduced into believing that this was a book praising individuality. Saira's most beloved Aunt is an "old maid" who became a professor of Literature at a women's college in Pakistan. Other than the protagonist, she is the most developed character, and certainly the most interesting. She even says in two different times that she doesn't regret her fate of an intellectual life over domestic bliss. Saira looks up to her Aunt with love and admiration.

The book chronicles several instances of family members breaking away (or being broken away from) expected social mores only to be shunned or completely ostracized by their family, but still living meaningful lives. In this book, family is the true power. And while I accept and even appreciate the message, I love the counter message:

The people with the most interesting lives, are the ones who branch out beyond the reaches of the traditional: the protagonists grandfather who leaves his family to be part of Ghandi's movements, her own grandfather who leaves his family to start a new one with a western woman, and, of course, the protagonist who chooses to become a journalist (in tandem with her gay cousin, a talented photographer) over getting married.

(If you plan to read the book, stop here, because I'm about to give too much away)..

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Still reading the blog?

So clearly I loved most of the book. It was a tennis match between the life of the pious women (married, with children, of course) and life beyond the expectations of a strong culture. I should have known better: the book begins with Saira's mother using a story with a strong moral to send a message. This was just what author was doing. It took me the entire book before realized that Saira's free spirit and intellectualism were going to lose this match to "making the right moral choice". And, that it was the author's intentions to have this as her main message.

After an entire book with Saira's adventures (starting when she plays Rizzo in Grease, which completely horrifies her mother who calls her slut and whore and shameful because she danced on stage and stage-kissed a boy), she drops her career (and her work-partner waiting for her in Afghanistan) to raise her sister's daughter after her sister's death. That is all well and good, except it is the only decision she makes with no narrative explaining her choice. I get that she would choose to raise her sister's daughter under the circumstances (her mother's just died, her father's moved back to India after living in the US for 30-odd years). What I didn't like was the pro-life message.

And here's the real spoiler:

Saira and her middle age ex-lover are the biological parents of this daughter. She doesn't have an abortion - and instead gives the child to her infertile sister and her husband to adopt, only to end up raising her. I would be able to digest this message because having an abortion is something that many women possibly regret. I dislike the message that if you give your child up for adoption, you might get this "second chance".

What I don't get? Is her shrug and nonchalance when she sort of says "OK, I'll marry my sister's husband too because that's what a good Muslim girl does".

In the last five pages of the book she turns into her pious sister. Praying, doing housework and eventually agreeing to marry her brother-in-law. Is that really the message the author wants to send young muslim women? Don't branch out and accept Western values, because your fate will bring you back to what your mother wanted you to be?

It's like the protagonist didn't read her own story of who she is.

...

Maybe we are all like that. Maybe we make decisions that are so out of character that they don't seem like our own because we can't fight our culture?

If I ever write a book, I will want people to love it or hate it. But I won't want people to love it, as I have, and then hate the last five pages.

I feel cheated...

$$ in my pocket

2011-09-21T14:05:00.001-04:00

Newest editions to the knitting closet

Bridgewater's only yarn shop is closing. Today is A Yarn For All Season's last day. Don't tell my husband, but I spent another $90. I expected deeper cuts on the final day, but still bought more than I planned. Strictly speaking I shouldn't have spent 10 cents. I have no income at the moment and no need for any of the items I bought (I didn't have a stitch counter). But now I won't buy anything knitting related for a years!

It's sad to see another Mom and Pop (or, in this case just Mom) business close. It's sad to see more evidence that our economy is going the wrong direction. It the planets were somewhat otherwise aligned I would have loved to have my own shop.

Now that I have all this yarn, all these books and a few extra needles, I look forward to knitting pretty things for my friends and family. And also.... for myself!

***

By the way - last night was Back to School Night at the Middle School. I was pleasantly surprised - I liked all of C's teachers in the 10 minute superficial first impression. Have to wait until October for N's BTSN, but since I know all his teachers already (C had them), I'm in no hurry. Besides, I've got a lot to keep my hands occupied!

Tolerance and Forbidden Fruits

2011-09-19T21:34:00.001-04:00

This weekend's vice

I wrote several blogs that I didn't post this weekend. Yesterday I focused on our collective love for Forbidden Fruit (not what you think). My friend Pam wrote about this temptation for her knitting blog, In Stitches. For many of us buying something we need definitely don't need, like more yarn, is biting into a forbidden fruit. You know it's wrong but you do it anyway. I spent the weekend knitting from yarn of the forbidden fruit (except the yarn was spun from a monastery's wool by Monks - hardly the double-F). The same day NPR had a segment on Resistance Training for temptation. It all really got thinking about the forbidden fruits of my life.

I have many! Ice cream, Thai Food (try to resist Phad Thai - I dare you!), watching TV when I should be doing other "things", nostalgia, this blog...or simply procrastinating. And Facebook. If you are my Facebook friend, you know that's probably my biggest vice of all!

Which leads to the blog I wrote on Saturday. I was really, really mad. On Friday evening I got into a "discussion" with someone on my Facebook wall about the school district. I was critical - and perhaps exaggerated a bit - when I said that schools on one side of town are less crowded than the other partly because 7 of 9 BOE members send their children to the less crowded school (and don't experience the crowding the way we on this side do). In her attempt to make me look bad, the commentator brought up another issue from earlier this year, and she got a little too personal (not to mention that the earlier issue wasn't any of her business) so I deleted the entire exchange. The following morning (Saturday) I got an invitation to be friends with a certain BOE member. I couldn't believe that the timing of the invitation was simply coincidence. We've both had Facebook for years. Call me skeptical or cynical and I'll plead guilty, but I don't trust the motive of the BOE member who clearly wants to know what I'm saying, not to genuinely stay in touch with me. I haven't replied to the request. What should I say? My Dad always says "when in doubt, do nothing." So I didn't responded. It's surprisingly easy to get into trouble when your biggest vice is the Forbidden Fruits found on Facebook. (Again, this time it's gossip, not what you traditionally think of as Forbidden Fruit, even though Facebook has PLENTY).

But there are other kinds of Forbidden Fruits - that plenty of people in Bridgewater take part in. Saying things (or thinking things) that you wouldn't want your mother to hear, or your

Today, Tolerance in Bridgewater (or lack thereof) made the New York Times editorial and I had to repost it! I've blogged about religion before, and I've expressed my views on Bridgewater's Mosque privately. I've also expressed (publicly) my feelings on mixing the School District's interests and the Mosque issue. I don't want to spend District money to fight the Township, nor do I find it appropriate. There are plenty of children in the district whose parents agree with me, even though they aren't vocal. Still, despite the fact that we aren't physically far from New York City, I was surprised when the NY Times caught wind of our town's biggest issue and wrote about it today! I can't believe someone had the guts to publish this!!! Bridgewater is the only place I've ever lived where it's actually PC to be against freedom of religion and citizens support spending over $100K of our tax dollars happily to prevent religious freedom.

Is yarn a vice? When it's $$$ it is

I have lots of vices. I impulse buying expensive silk or cashmere yarns (sometimes they run $30 for a skein (a ball of yarn)), Eggs Benedict, reminiscing about old times with my girlfriends, coffee, wine, gossip. Facebook.

Speaking my mind the Forbidden Fruit is the hardest temptation to resist. I never learned how to bite my tongue. People are supposed to keep their thoughts on sex, politics and religion to themselves. While I have several close seconds, keeping quiet it is the hardest fruit to resist. Even harder than wine! Harder to resist than flirting - harder than candy or cake, chips or yarn.

What's your forbidden fruit?

Beautiful Sunny Fall Day

2011-09-16T09:52:00.001-04:00

Before kids I hated Autumn.Dreary days that get perpetually shorter, colder and darker, and I couldn't wait for winter to get her and make things white. (When you grow up in western New York, you are used to a lot of snow).

Now I see Fall as something else. Cool nights that make it easy to sleep. "Indian summer days" when the temperature is perfect for walks, and knitting. Clean slates in the classroom when everyone is still optimistic about a new year. And my favorite of volunteer activities: Book fair (beginning at the Middle School next week, and Eisenhower on October 1st), when I can get the heads up on what's new in kids' lit and spend time selling reading to Bridgewater's kids.

Today I am heading to Michaels. No, not for yarn (not til I knit what I have in my stash). But for items to get my new business underway. More about that later. Fall is a time for new beginnings and the perfect time for second chances. My job didn't work out last Spring, but that doesn't mean I can't make something of myself.

I love fall. The colors of turning leaves. The fresh, clean air.

And while this Fall's weekends will be spent at a football games, watching my favorite Panther strut her stuff in a tight shirt and short mini-skirt, it's also quality time with friends, in fresh air and a chance to knit gifts to put under a Christmas tree, not so far from now.

Driving parents crazy

2011-09-14T23:14:00.002-04:00

About fifteen years ago my friend lost her daughter in an accident. Often when you meet people who have lost a child, they have a sense of tragedy floating about them. Not with LD. You would never know it if you met her. She is friendly, funny and kind. She gives selflessly and I am more than fortunate to have been the recipient of her generosity. She has been the Head Honchess of the Girl Scouts for this section of Bridgewater - one of the most thankless jobs on Planet Earth! In addition, she has two daughters, a husband and juggles several jobs! An all-around good egg, indeed.

So it was a little insulting that her comments at the Board of Ed last night were so misconstrued. Wonder what she said exactly? You can click here to replay last night's meeting. (Audio recording, September 13th, part 2, approximately 1 hour and 3 minutes into the recording).

If you don't feel like downloading the file and listening to the meeting, here is the Readers' Digest version: LD informed the Board of several very dangerous incidents involving her children and bus drivers. Each time she went through the proper channels only to be disappointed by the nonchalance of the Transportation Department's response. Last week she had another incident where a supervisor (she didn't say if he is the top manager and I don't recognize the name) left his office to rescue her daughter and a neighbor after the bus driver couldn't find the Middle School. She blamed the problem on the fact that the driver couldn't read the slip the girls showed, to confirm they were on the right bus, and then didn't have the English proficiency required to understand the girls. The Superintendent replied with "you don't need to speak English to drive a bus" (I'm paraphrasing). But you DO need the basics language skills to communicate with the children on the bus. His response came off as a CYA tactic so people wouldn't think he's advocating hiring English native speakers over foreigners.

Having been an immigrant in a foreign country, I know all too well the pressures of functioning (or not) in a foreign language. When I was in college, I had a panic attack when I had a short-term gig as a nanny, abroad: I was in Europe and the mother (in her mother tongue, not in mine) that explained that her daughter had slept over at a relatives, but I didn't understand her. (I'm sure I said yes when she asked me "do you understand?"). When I saw the daughter wasn't in her bedroom I freaked out! I learned something that day: you can't replace basic communication skills. I could play with her children, feed them, change diapers, bathe them, take them for walks, and do all the things a good babysitter does - but if I couldn't understand basic explanations by my employer, how could I manage in my job? I lasted a week.

Of course you don't need much English to drive a bus. But you DO need English to understand directions, rules and to speak with the children who are in your care. Communication skills are vital on a bus, as a lot of "social incidents" happen during that time when kids are between the school's jurisdiction and the rule of Mom and Dad. Kids often feel most vulnerable on the bus. But even moreso, if bus drivers (or kids) are lost, or there is an accident, communication is key. When I was a child our school bus had an engine fire... it was probably the most traumatic incident I ever had in school.

I am not advocating racist practice in hiring, but I do believe that every single employee of the district should be able to communicate with children. In fact I believe that kids should have contact with people who aren't like them at school.

And I also believe that when parents communicate their concerns to the District, the District should show their ability to listen, process the information, and act in a correct manner. Just as I said blindly "I understand" all those years ago when I didn't, the District should not just say "we understand" when they don't.

And more than that: they should care enough to make improvements - even if it is easier to just say yes, and move on to the next complaint. More parents need to come forward with their issues. But they don't - and based on hearing stories like LD's I can't say I blame them! Sometimes it isn't a language barrier - it's a listening barrier.

Updated Monday

2011-09-12T14:34:00.001-04:00

I had a lot of things to do today. I am volunteering for several organizations. Tomorrow is my son's birthday and I am starting a business with much work ahead.

But instead of concentrating on these things, I spent four hours listening to my friend who has a crisis.

Today she called me in tears and needed me to listen to her (and I proved that my family is more dysfunctional than hers, which I hope lightened her mood). If I were still working with her, there is no way I could have done this for her. At my last job, colleagues spied on each other and noted (to the minute) how long others took for lunch, so I couldn't listen to her as I did today or I'd risk my job.

So I don't have a paid job, but no doubt about it: the "work" I'm doing IS meaningful. (Friendship isn't work, of course, but it's how I spent my "working hours" today). Even if it is only important to one person at a time!

Zen Soccer Mom

2011-09-12T08:10:00.000-04:00

Friday I spent the entire day in self-inflicted suffering:

A friend posted something negative about stay-at-home Moms who write blogs on Facebook. I felt sorry for myself all day. Do career women really think that women who stay home should be ashamed of themselves? Apparently some do. It ruined my entire Friday.

The biggest detriment to women isn't that so many of us stay home and perform traditional roles. It's that we are openly hostile to one another. No matter what we think, we do not need to judge one another for our circumstances. (This holds true for so many things.) Sometimes our roles are conscious choices, sometimes fate has brought us where we are. Sometimes it's a bit of both.

With all the reflection this weekend on who we were 10 years ago, I need to jump off the animosity superhighway. 10 Years Ago today I was fully on the other side of the working-mom scale. 10 years ago Saturday I was flying back from a business trip in Brussels, and I only by luck was home on the 11th. I had 2 small children but still managed a job with monthly international travel. 10 years ago I didn't understand WHY women would stay home with their kids by choice. I wanted to work and I LOVED my job.

Worst of all: all this conflict between women leads to self-doubt and self-hate. I've been on both sides of this working/non-working parent conundrum. Part of my life has been as a career woman. Part of me is a cookie-baking, carpooling stay-at-homer. When I worked full-time I sought balance. I still do.

I want to let go of some of the anger I have towards women (especially those who live here in 08807) who make me angry about things that have little to do with their career choices. It isn't helping that we hate each other, no matter what we do with our days. Most importantly I need to be kinder to myself. If I can't be accepting of myself, why should anyone like me for me?

Although not a particularly typical lesson of 9/11 - it's good to remind ourselves not to judge those who are SIMILAR to ourselves. The message of 9/11 is complicated. Love coming out of hate. An act of war resulting in 10 years of lingering wars. People now afraid to fly with people who "look religious". Regardless of religion, regardless of class or nationality or age. We women have to stop judging one another. And then it will be easier to stop judging ourselves.

Tired already

2011-09-08T20:12:00.000-04:00

All I can say is "My brain is tired".

I was already worried about the flooding here. It seems to be worsening. Tonight I sat with several families who didn't know how they would get home from Tae Kwan Do. TKD is being housed in a temporary location because they are completely flooded.
Now I don't only need to worry about my loved ones here - but the Susquehanna is flooding in New York and Pennsylvania - not far from my Dad and many other loved ones/family members.
As I write this I am halfway listening to Obama's speech. The country is in a shambles, and I want to start a new business venture... in this economy it seems silly, but I need to try something. I am pretty left of center, but I think this plan leaves something out - not sure what it is, but it sounded like a pep rally more than a solution. Sorry, Obama...
In the mean time I keep thinking: is really more than a year until the general election? I can't take that many months of the campaigning and animosity.
Local elections are coming, and I've got lots to say about that, but not tonight. As I said, my brain hurts.
I'm thinking about cheer leading - things aren't good there.

My Fairy Godmother?

And today I did something sad - I went to the going out of business sale at A Yarn for All Seasons. It's sad to see more proof of our deteriorating economy. I liked supporting my local yarn shop over some unknown store online. Of course I have plenty of yarn already (even though I finished a huge project yesterday) - an entire closet full! But I really wish I had some Fairy Godmother who made it possible for me to buy this nice little yarn shop, and help people create wonderful projects with their hands. What a lovely job! Unfortunately, it's the 2nd store to go out of business in the area in the past few years. Now Bridgewater is without a yarn shop.

Where did I get the money to splurge on myself?

All I can say is what comes around goes around... I did a favor for someone and she forced me to treat myself to something. Luxurious yarn may bore you, but I have years of tactile paradise ahead of me. Just what I need when my brain hurts.

I've already started on a lovely grey sweater - merino and silk. Work to keep my hands occupied when my brain needs a rest.

Time well spent?

2011-09-07T21:58:00.000-04:00

Two year's work - DONE

Today I completed something I began on August 2, 2009: a Setesdals-sweater for my husband. Knit on airplanes, at soccer games (C still played then), waiting on the uncomfortable benches at Tae Kwon Do classes, at PTO meetings, and sitting with friends, drinking coffee.

It was a lot of work to put together. Many trials and errors and frogging ("rip it, rip it") stitches that didn't work. I redid the collar twice. But it's done. And it's a bit big on the shoulders - but otherwise...

IT FITS TOO!

Maybe you think hand crafts are a quaint waste of time, but if treated well, this sweater can last several generations! My kids can wear it, and so can theirs.

And my husband will have tangible proof that I care. In my life of many meaningless tasks, it's always good to do something of substance.

It's not easy being green...

2011-09-06T21:37:00.000-04:00

especially when green = money...

The Bridgewater Raritan Regional School district has a lot of parents ranting and raving! They are pissed off... at another attempt for the District to market something in a misleading way.

Call a Spade a Spade...

We're not being green... if you mean environmentally friendly

We're being green... if you mean saving money - the DISTRICT'S money.

As I write this procrastinating parents across town are all doing the same thing. While the kids are planning their outfits, packing their backpacks and worrying about if they will like their teachers, parents are forced to do what they should have done weeks ago: filling in pages and pages of paperwork.

I know I'm not the only one doing this. How do I know? Because the website is super slllooooooooow. The website isn't designed for 6,000 procrastinators like me (in my defense - worse that being a procrastinator, I'm a disorganized mess. I printed out these forms WEEKS ago and have since lost them!).

I just filled out and signed SIXTEEN forms. I only have two kids. Imagine the families with LOTS of kids. The papers jammed the printer - I fixed it. But if it took more than 30 seconds, I'm quite sure I would have given up on the entire paper-filling-out-project.

There are lots of required forms:

The Emergency Form (where they can get in touch with us during the day, and who they should contact if we see it is the school calling and hit IGNORE)
The Weapons Agreement (N's response: but I bring a deadly weapon every day - my hands)
The Computer Agreement (thou shalt not download porn-on school computers)
The Walkers Form - what we do who don't get bused
The "Agenda form" - the school gives them an agenda for keeping their assignments. Somewhere in this book are the school rules innocuously called "the Handbook". Including the DRESS CODE. (For you 1st time middle school families - ERR ON THE SIDE OF CONSERVATIVE! They mean business with the short shorts and short skirts)

My son's school also requires two separate forms regarding permission for children to be video taped AND photographed. (You have different options, like: Ok for my kid's picture to be on the internet, without his personal information, and then the same for video taping). I also got a letter from a district department requesting that I send in the "enclosed form" with my e-mail address. Since all my other information coming from this department is via e-mail, and I know they have it, isn't there a missing link somewhere? Can't I just e-mail my e-mail to them? I threw away the letter and e-mailed the Supervisor at the Wade Building, CC'ing my contact at my child's school. Ridiculous waste of paper and time!

Then there is the PTO. My son's school has three forms - which aren't formally required, but highly suggested... with a check. My daughter's school is slightly more streamlined. PTO membership and the directory form are a single form. For several years I begged the PTO at my elementary school to allow parents to send in a form saying "this is my kid's updated homeroom information. The directory information is otherwise the same as last year". Can't we save HOURS of everyone's time and only send in forms to update things that need updating? Isn't that much more green?

Both schools' PTOs also requested a check for the membership and a donation. I spent two hours at the Middle School helping but I sent a donation "in lieu of my time". N's school doesn't get a donation (beyond the $9 to join the PTO). They traditionally get more both of my time and our funds (I usually drop $100 just at the Book Fair - my daughter doesn't want me to come NEAR the Middle School book fair, so they miss out. Nothing is lamer than your Mom coming to school to help you pick out books to read.).

This blog may seem like I am peeved about filling out the forms and checks. I'm not. I'm peeved that the district has the audacity to call them not printing forms GREEN. I am sending in 17 pieces of paper to the school tomorrow. I printed them and signed them and sent them in (plus the checks, which a paper too). The district has ALL of this information already! It's in the new Parent Portal. I can see that my 2 emergency contacts are there. I haven't changed this information in YEARS!

There are so many things we can do online. Pay bills, fill in tax forms, apply for jobs with our resumes. Why can't we streamline this information? That way parents aren't spending hours printing forms that they sent last year, and administrative assistants aren't spending weeks re-processing the same forms. If my kid promised not to use a weapon last year, can't we assume she promises it again this year, or change the form to say "until I graduate from BRRHS, I promise I won't use the internet inappropriately"?

OK schools. You can have our kids back. Be kind to them. Be patient with them. Clearly our collective patience has run out and we are ready to hand them over to you!

And don't lose these papers - I don't want to reprint them!

Monday: Absolutely!

2011-09-01T23:33:00.001-04:00

This week is possibly a record: I've started 3 blogs and not finished any one of them. Here's Monday's:

What not to wear: Part Deux

One of my favorite shows is Sex and the City. I love the witty women. It's like the Breakfast Club for adult women. We all have a little perfect-Charlotte, a bit of sexy-Samantha (WARNING if you think today's blog is inappropriate, this link is R-Rated), a taste of cynical-Miranda and some of Carrie_Bradshaw's perpetual self-doubt in ourselves. I think this blog echoes Carrie-Bradshaw's tone. Albeit, with a less interesting plot. So last year when I was in New York City with my friend and saw a hot pink t-shirt with "Absof---inglutely" (Mr. Big's trademark slogan) I had to get one. Besides, they were on sale....

But I rarely wear it. Let's face it, when am I *not* around kids for more than a few minutes and able to sport a PG-13 tee?

On Monday, however, I went for a neighborhood run... and I put it on. Not 5 minutes into my workout, who do I bump into but.... Bridgewater's fashionista policewoman. Actually she's in one of the most googled blogs I've ever written.

Since then we had a "difference of opinion" regarding not my choice of dress, but my daughter's.

Inappropriate? According to a certain Mom, yes!

Last winter C and her friends attended a bat mizvah and wore these dresses. (See left). According to my neighbor, my daughter and "some of the other girls" were offensively and inappropriately dressed - so much so, that she confronted me about it, twice. To make matters worse, she also criticized the girls' dresses (using my daughter's name, but not using the names of the friends whom she liked better) at a sporting event the following day. She even criticized C to one of my closest friends (and she knows we are close). I took the nastiness to heart, even though none of the girls had dresses that were trashy, with extra low cleavage, and they all had their shoulders covered, as is custom. One of the girls pictured to the left is Jewish. (M daughter is in gray). If my 85 year old and very conservative father said they were tasteful, believe me, they were! He still wears a tie to the mall!

What she didn't know is that her phone call changed me. I am MUCH more relaxed about hemlines now. As long as the outfit is within reason, I don't care how short it is anymore. I'm much more worried about my daughter's appropriate behavior! So when on the Monday after the Bat Mitzvah my 'concerned' neighbor called to chastise me about C's behavior at school, I caught the neighbor off guard. She called to complain that C had spread word about my neighbor's criticism of the dresses, and it embarrassed her daughter. Her daughter might have heard about it, but not from C! What my neighbor didn't realize was that on that very Monday, my daughter was at E's funeral. She hadn't been at school the entire day. That was this day, and I've never forgotten it. On that particular day C supported her friend, and I couldn't have been more proud of her. Who cares what she was wearing two days earlier or what teenage girls said at school!

The offending Tee

I don't know about you, but when I am exercising I don't worry about what other people will think of my attire. I wear whatever I want. So I certainly wasn't worried about offending anyone when I ran out of the house on Monday in my HBO t-shirt. But I shouldn't have let me guard down. Of course, my neighbor noticed my shirt (see right). She doesn't need to call me about offending her, or harming her children's innocence with my inappropriate T-shirt.

I know what she thinks.

Sorry ....she's already established that while she likes me as a person, she thinks I am completely inappropriate in taste, parenting and judgment. Monday's sporting attire was just further proof. My running shorts wouldn't pass the Middle School Dress Code either! They are too short.

But I don't care because the following day I bought something in size SMALL. And today I got a huge compliment on my figure! And besides, if you know me, you know I'm always offending someone. Maybe I should add a little spice to life. Maybe next week I'll have the guts to wear the t-shirt that I gave my Mom in the early 1990s. So horrific, so awful, that I don't think I've ever worn it since I inherited it 10 years ago.

What would be so awful?

It simply states:

I think, therefore I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh.

But I do listen to Carrie.... Bradshaw. Like CB from Sex and the City, you never know what you'll catch me wearing, or thinking!

Nesting

2011-08-27T17:48:00.000-04:00

Wegmans, sans batard, sans baguette :-(

We are in pre-storm mode here at Casa Poppet. I've been trying for hours to clean the kitchen and cook in it simultaneously. Every few hours I stop when I've stepped on another fragment of broken glass from a dish that C accidentally smashed yesterday. I've never seen such a small object shatter so impressively! I've vacuumed multiple times - and decided it isn't worth it to put the vacuum away because I'm likely to need it in a few hours if the wind really starts howling.

The kids keep asking "when is the hurricane coming". C thinks it's all overblown media nonsense. Let's hope she's right. We do have a very hyped up media and after the "earthquake" that scared a lot of people in New Jersey but caused no noticeable damage, there is a reason to believe it's "crying wolf."

If you have yeast, water, flour and salt, and time you can make bread

Clearly other people are heeding the warnings and hoarding EVERYTHING. We are not hamsters (let's hope we're not without water for a long period of time, because we will be SOL). I have what I need for a few days, except lots of extra water. If need be we can cook what's in the freezer as it thaws. It is supposed to be nice tomorrow evening again, if I need to grill (should we lose power over a long period of time). And then there is always plan B: my Dad's house. Nothing would make him happier than if we take refuge with him.

What's left on the agenda:

The bird's in the oven.
The cell phones are charged (and we have batteries)
The dough is shaped into 2 bagettes and rising.
I'm going to move the pictures upstairs
And then I'll be ready for a little break.

Not sure if I will have power tomorrow, but I'm sure we'll survive. If you are thinking of us from across the country (or the globe) thank you! If you are worrying about us: don't. We will be fine. There are plenty of people who are much more vulnerable than we are....

Ready to feed our little army, for days if needed

Ready, set, rain!

Ironic

2011-08-26T08:59:00.001-04:00

For years my cousin has said "you should come to the Thousand Islands" to her house. Out of seven siblings only a couple didn't have houses at the Thousand Islands. My grandparents were among them. Not sure if it was the distance or the money, or that my grandfather died young (in his 50s), but there you have it.

This weekend we were supposed to go to LH's cottage. She shares a cottage with her two sisters, and all of their kids/grandkids, and visitors require a bit of scheduling.

This weekend was supposed to be our weekend. But cheer got in the way when just 2 weeks ago we were alerted that we had to be in town for a breakfast on Saturday and a game on Sunday. It made me so sad to call LH to cancel....

Since then LH fell and broke her hip which required a hip replacement! So clearly if we hadn't canceled she would have.

And if the game and her fall hadn't done us in, now there is a hurricane coming. Believe it or not the Cheer Gods still haven't canceled Sunday's game! The Governor has called a State of Emergency (ie. emergency vehicles only on the roads - don't think they will consider cheer an emergency when Bridgewater police stop me but you never know), but the organization still wants us to be prepared to play, even if we get a bit wet! Can't common sense triumph over delusions of grandeur?

Better get my day started.... I should probably prioritize the grocery store run - before everyone takes the last morsel of food off of Wegman's shelves!

****

Update: They postponed the game until next week. I wonder if someone read my nasty post first? Should we pack for the 1000 Isles? Hardly. We need to be here ready to soak up the basement.

One statement says it all...

2011-08-24T16:20:00.000-04:00

Rah!

As you know I've been worried about the culture in C's new cheer team (especially after what we experienced last year, which I blogged about multiple times). Specifically I'm concerned about a rift between the girls who have been on this nationally recognized team (her new team) for years, and the new girls who, um, aren't as, um... accomplished, meaning C's former team. I was worried the new girls (including C) would be bullied by their teammates who would see they aren't be up to snuff and may cost them their winning record.

And while I might have expected this, somehow I wasn't prepared for the plain truth to come out of my daughter's mouth today:

"It's not the girls. They are fine. In fact, they are being really nice to us. It's the adults, the coaches, that hate us and don't hide it." One coach, C admitted, is somewhat nicer, but C feels that main coach hates her. Even if she doesn't it's not fun to hear.

Yesterday when I dropped C off, one of the coaches actually sneered at her - but smiled at me first! Are you kidding me? SNEER AT ME! Smile at her, at a minimum in front of me! Why?

But C still wants to go. More than ever. A flier keeps falling on her face. She's had a bloody mouth several times already, but the coaches didn't even notice! Another girl has been nicknamed "Harry Potter" because of a cut she got in the middle of her forehead. Cheer is not for the meek.

I criticize and complain that my daughter is the most spoiled girl in the state of New Jersey. That may be true, but she does have one trait that helps her these days:

INTEGRITY!

When I write on the game day program, "Proud of you, C" It's her eagerness to continue despite feeling that the head coach despises her, that makes me proud of C. Can she throw a girl into the air and then catch her? Sure, but I'm not as impressed with that. Who would have thought being on cheer would teach C the most important lesson for young women? It seems to be teaching her to believe in herself, and work hard to accomplish what she wants to do, even when the leaders of her world (me, the coaches, etc.) don't want her to! I'd never have thought she'd learn such a meaningful lesson from such "meaningless fluff".

Update

2011-08-23T22:40:00.001-04:00

Just checking in with my fearless readers to say that it's been a very busy week. I have so many thoughts to blog about, but life keeps getting in the way.

I spent two nights away this weekend. First with the MCM and SM family at their already-overcrowded hotel room in Wildwood and then with my sister and her family in their much roomer digs a few miles up the beach. It was lovely to be so warmly welcomed to join in other peoples' vacations! It was just N and me. Nothing like some time with my boy.

I also went on a little road trip to Carlstadt, New Jersey, where Lion Brand Yarn has opened a factory outlet. I don't associate Lion Brand with fancy yarn, although I have knit one wedding gift in their organic cotton. I made a bear too, but that was with leftover stashed yarn. The outlet included the requisite acrylic yarns (including one gold fringe yarn that I bought), but it had several goodies from their "LB Collection" yarn that is clearly higher in quality and in price. The outlet was nice, yet there were a few things I would have changed. All yarn was pre-bagged in groups of 3 skeins per package. That's probably (as my knitting-guro, friend Pam explained) because it comes pre-packed in groups of three, but they should have a sample handy so people can feel the goods. I did treat myself 3 skeins of 100% cashmere yarn, but might have bought more if I could either feel the yarn or see a pre-knit swatch. The black cashmere should turn into a nice hat for my Dad. I hope it will please him when he gets a cashmere hat for a surprise gift. (I knit him a GORGEOUS hat already 2 years ago that someone lucky walked off with). It will keep his bald head soft and warm. Mom LOVED cashmere, and taught me how special cashmere is, so hopefully he will feel her influence as well.

It's going to feel good to make something special for my Dad because I've spent the week doing something he wouldn't like at all. I'll leave it at that, but going against his wishes doesn't come easily to me, and is really weighing on my conscious. (Don't worry, I'm not doing anything illegal, immoral or illogical).

Sometimes I'm the parent. Sometimes I'm the kid. Time to morph from defiant child to doting parent. N is sick and I should go and cuddle. Hopefully it will take my mind off things.

The road taken...

2011-08-18T22:18:00.001-04:00

Finland is MUCH more than Marimekko

Twenty five years ago today (August 16th, 1985, this was written a few days ago, published on the 18th) my life completely changed course. It was a turn I would never undo. I traveled with AFS International Programs to Finland to be a foreign exchange student for a year. Everything I am, everything I have experienced came out of the choice I made to get out of my seemingly broken life and begin anew in a country I'd barely heard of, with a family so different from my own. It was worth every tear I shed and every bit of effort.

Many kids travel "on exchanges." They board airplanes, and take tours. They see the sights in Rome or Paris, maybe staying with a family for a week for a small taste of life, and then they return with a suitcase of over-priced souvenirs and some new buddies. A year is a different kind of commitment. You build a life in a new culture, immerse yourself in it, learn a new language and miss home in a very visceral way. You return with a few prized possessions that you collected over the year, but in your baggage you bring newly formed opinions, a new way of seeing and doing things, and hundreds of pictures - real and in your memory.

Who was I before I left? A skinny, insecure teen with bad skin and frizzy hair. Already at the orientation I found a new me forming. I was the loud one - the secure one. The one who was first in line for every adventure. Naked in the sauna, and then jump into a freezing lake? (*it was girls only, but still a shock for us Americans*) No problem! It's part of the culture... and when I jumped into the cold lake from the steaming wooden house in nothing but my birthday suit, I truly felt alive. This was a special treat - as part of the orientation. Every single-family home has a sauna, but my host family lived in an apartment building, so we shared the sauna with other apartments (everyone has to reserve a time in advance) and there was certainly no jumping into a lake in the middle of downtown Lahti!

A few days into the orientation we had to repel down a small area of a mountain (probably a hill about the length of a 2-story house) as part of a team-building activity. I completely panicked. A fear of heights came over me and my insecure self, the one who was hiding inside me, came out full force. Tears of panic, tears of angst overtook my body. I was shaking, convinced I was going to die in the Finnish forest, six hours north of Helsinki. I exposed myself to the others. I guess looking back now, becoming vulnerable with one another was part of the program, to build us up to deal with challenges that lay ahead after the orientation. None of the others knew I was so vulnerable, but I did.

But I didn't die. I didn't even break an arm. The beginning of a hundred learning experiences, some were easy, others hard. It was all part of a year where I would feel so alone. Not speaking the language or knowing the culture is a very humbling experience.

Maybe I was subconsciously reinventing myself as a strategy to have a great year. Maybe I became outgoing to hide my insecurities? Either way, my new attitude served me well most of the time, and stuck with me when I got home.

I often wonder what my life would have been had I not boarded that plane. But I did. Through that year I made some bad choices (never try koskenkorva- it's pure evil) and some fantastic ones (my many new friends, the closest are still part of my life!). I actually chose picking the interesting girls who wanted to share with me "all things Finnish" over the popular girls who spoke good English, and wore trendy clothes... Perhaps I ruined my only chance to be part of the in-crowd, but the artsy kids were clearly a much better choice. Partially it was a choice made for me. The popular girls partied with older boys in rich people's homes, even on weeknights. My host-family were extremely religious, and this would have never worked. It wasn't that I stopped drinking (which would have been the smart thing to do), even at age 16, but my goal was no longer to be the party girl with popular girls. I wanted to make friends. Not the superficial kind. And I did. They are still part of my life. Five years ago I visited Julia, Maarit, Piia, Paula and Sari, of course my host sister and her husband Pia and Krisse. I still love my host parents Seija and Pertti - and I still call them Mom and Dad.

Even before the internet we kept in touch through letters and visits. Thanks to Facebook and e-mail I am in contact with all of the people or at least the families (except a few) who were closest to me then. Surely the best part of my exchange year was making the friendships, and learning a new language with which we communicated.

I made mistakes. I did things I still regret to this day. I was cruel to one girl. I got into trouble for drinking and I helped my friend host a party that became a free-for-all the likes of which I'd never seen before or since. I might have broken a boy's heart. I had my heart broken. I fell in (what at 16 seemed like) love. I got lost a million times. I skipped school. I hitchhiked home when I got stuck somewhere (twice, and it is an offence that gets you kicked off the AFS program). I got thrown out of a cafe (with the other kids) for not buying enough and then taking up tables for hours at a time. I listened to music. I missed home. And after I came home, I missed Finland even more.

I worked hard to learn the language one word at a time. Puhun suomea. Melkein sujuvasti. (I speak finnish. Nearly fluently). It is the hardest language with our alphabet! I lived with a family where my host father was kind, but spoke no English. I taught my host sisters and host mother lots of English, but not as much as they taught me.

The winters were cold. A cold I'd never known could exist. From experience I learned that -40F = -40 C. Who knew? It got down to -42 Celsius when I was in Rautalampi. The car froze on the way home from a "Friday night disco" (a restaurant that let teenagers dance until 11pm) in the middle of the farmland. Of course there were no cell phones, but it was miles from the closest house. On that freezing January night I remember Paula's Mom's strong presence. I felt safe with her. She died about 10 years ago but I will never forget her or that night.

At Easter one of my best friend from the US came to see me in Finland. She met my friends and family and visited my school. I even brought her to see my "2nd family" (we did a 2-week exchange with a family in rural Finland). She summed it up something like this: you built a new life for yourself and it was fantastic.

One of my favorite songs is called "Double Life" (you can hear Kaksoiselämää By Juice Leskinen).
The words to refrain are:
Kunpa sinut tuntisin paremmin
Silloin ehk oppisin itsenikin
Vaikken koskaan luotasi poistunutkaan
Tulen uudestaan

Translation:
I'd like to get to know you better,
Then maybe I'll get to know myself better
and if I ever leave, which I won't
I'll come back

Far beyond my expectations, far harder than I ever thought, far more influential than you'd think. Twenty-five years ago today my life changed. If my experience could be summed up by two poems, going to Finland would have been akin to Stopping by the woods in a snowy evening and taking the road less traveled. Without doubt I was the better for it. Finland's with me for the rest of my life... I haven't shaken it yet!

Shifting gears too soon?

2011-08-10T18:56:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's because our class placements seem so early this year... More likely, it's because C's cheer leading practices started on August 1st... Maybe it's because I spent part of the day at the 4H-Fair, but it seems like school is just around the corner. Luckily, someone was kind enough to remind me, that we have almost a month left before September 8th comes.

My mind is shifting towards all things BRRSD. Driving past the Verizon parking lot on RT 28 I saw workers striking. I couldn't help but worry that maybe OUR TEACHERS will strike, since they are about to start the year without a contract. I know it may seem reactionary, but have you seen the poor rapport between the Union President and the BOE Negotiators? It's like War of the Roses. Except in the final scene the BRRSD's kids will be swinging from the chandelier. And they might like that! Since that means no school.

I prefer to have teachers who are happily returning to work WITH a contract. Beginning the year with the same feelings of ill-ease with which they ended the year last June can't be good for the district. As you see from the trailer, bitterness festers with time!

But maybe, there is movement in the negotiations, which may be continuing quietly behind closed doors to which our eyes are not privy?

I hope that just as we are receiving our class placements with happy anticipation, teachers are happily preparing for their upcoming classes, and that this is happening with the same enthusiasm that takes place each August.

We have a month left of summer days. Not to be squandered by worries of what may or may not happen. Whether the teachers strike is beyond my control.

What is in my control?

How much time I spend enjoying summer. I think I'll go outside now, and hope that "Steve and Jeff" (the negotiators from the union and the BOE) have spent their summers negotiating some form of Oslo Accords. Calling all the Gum Shoes at the Courier, Messenger... Patch: can you please give the public an update?

Maybe, for once, no news is good news.

Bridgewater gets practical

2011-08-09T10:47:00.000-04:00

It used to come in the middle of the night: the phone call. My husband would come home from work in New Jersey, found the school letter placement and called us while we spend the summers in his parents' home, in Europe. It would have been 7pm in NJ, but was 1am overseas. I'd awake from my slumber, turn on the computer and correspond with our friends. Who would join C, and later N too, in class that year?

As my network grew, we improved the communication. Someone would e-mail their information in the morning to us in Europe, and I'd e-mail my husband to go home at lunch and check our mailbox and call with results.

The past few years we've been home to receive the envelope.

A while back one friend started an e-vite with most parents in our elementary school. Parents RSVPed with the placement info and word spread like wildfire.

BRIDGEWATER goes high-tech:
Yesterday every parent got e-mailed a code to get the information online. Everyone found out at the same time, and although I read it from my laptop at home, I could have been in Norway, Nigeria or the Nepal and still learned the placement information the same day.

C, who is in the middle school, has teachers' names that mean absolutely nothing to me, since I don't know of a single 8th grade teacher. She is devastated because she has gym early in the day... Appearance is important to 8th grade girls.

N has inherited C's 6th grade team. I know all of the teachers well. It's a "go with the devil you know" feeling of reserved confidence. I know what I like about each of them, but also have a few concerns. One common worry: will they compare N to C? Their strengths and weaknesses are so different. Do I let them figure it out on their own, or do I give them a heads up? "Go with the devil you know" works both ways. They already know me, so I would guess an e-mail wouldn't surprise them. (I am relieved we didn't get a certain teacher. She's supposed to be excellent, but she dislikes something she thinks I felt when running for BOE. A good teacher should separate those feelings towards a kid's mom, but why take the risk?)

I have heard several people complain that they couldn't get through on the website, or that the system froze on them when trying to pull up their information. I didn't have that problem, so far. So far, I like the new system... but ask me in three months.

Still, I miss the anticipated envelope...... e-mail can be so... intangible.

Ever nostalgic,

BSM

Middle School Drama

2011-08-06T09:42:00.000-04:00

Some dramas are all in my head. I've been worried for weeks about cheer. My daughter joined a new squad and I'm very worried that there will be "us" and "them" cliques (the original group, and the newbies). If they don't win after many winning seasons, what then? Several girls on C's old team were too-cool-for-school and refused to cheer at the games. They stood there in their too-tight uniforms and looked sexy, (not my favorite adjective for a then-12 year old!) and they couldn't be bothered to spell P-A-N-T-H-E-R-S. So there is reason to worry. C's new team has won and moved on to finals in Florida for several years in a row. It would be social suicide if THIS year they don't make it... and then my daughter and the other girls from the old team would be easy targets for the original team's disappointment.

But my daughter isn't worried, so far. In fact, she had a well-planned strategy the first few days. Stay with one or two closer friends and keep away from the cliques. She's keeping her nose to the ground and working on her moves, so she can progress - and she feels she is getting better.

Is she learning what not to do from watching me? This week my life has been all drama (as you might be able to tell from my now-deleted post). Somehow I find myself in the middle of an unstated attack, and spending a lot of time on out-of-state calls. My daughter reprimanded me several times for "gossiping". I don't think she quite got it, and I said so. "NO, Mom, she replied" and as she quoted back to me something that sounded to me very much like gossip.

So I guess I am worrying about cheer unnecessarily. Not only is my daughter much prettier than I ever was, she does better in school AND she is much more adept at social situations. I guess I have no excuse: I should relax and not worry about things that I can't do anything about. In my own life.... or in hers.

My so called motherlode

2011-07-26T12:08:00.000-04:00

After the events of the weekend, I felt like I needed to escape into some movies.

A few weeks ago C and I started to watch Peggy Sue Got Married together http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj9hDe8VhpU. It was strange. I had seen it lots of times... but through teenage eyes. I related to the young Peggy Sue. Sharing it with my 13-year old was surreal (and a little weird, I had to go check something in the kitchen during the somewhat hot-n-heavy portions). We watched the end of it and it was enjoyable, but strange. Lots of these coming of age movies are strange to see now that I'm on the other side of the age spectrum. Sixteen Candles, St. Elmo's Fire... even The Big Chill all have me older than the main characters! When did I get old??!!!

This weekend we started to watch Moonstruck together. This time I was thinking about MY mother. Olympia Dukakis had my mother's mannerisms to a tee (including assuming someone died if we got an unexpected call). But it wasn't just my mom, it was the small details of our Italian-American life. The food, the expressions, and my grandmother's house even had a few pieces of near-identical furniture. I could hear my Mom's voice (if not her words) when she was berating Cher with "your life's going down the toilet!" Both mothers had a very clear sense of who they were in this world and in their relationships. (Again I had to walk out to check the kitchen... I didn't remember it was quite that racy, it's rated PG).

Finally, we watched a couple of episodes of "My So-Called Life". This time it was C who was overwhelmed by the similarity to HER mother! The girl on TV dyes her hair red, and C has been begging to do things to her hair too (this week it was feather extensions, but she has also wanted to color it purple!). The mother says verbatim the same things that come out of my mouth, "Why am I always the bad guy? Do you think *I* want to be the bad guy?" Afterward watching this with her, I felt depressed. I'm a cliche'!

Watch these and see if it resonates with you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qruKmf0B0l0 (from 3 minutes in)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duwUFFGivH0 (again, from just less than 3 minutes in)

When did I become the strict, sour, unpleasant mother? All I do is yell at children, it seems. I don't necessarily need to be everyone's BFF, but I do want to be loved.... and loving.

The good news is, there was another portion that I think C could relate to, albeit without admitting to. Angela and her friend are driven home by the police. Her friend was too (see episode 1, part 4, toward the end for that). Angela realizes she is glad to have her mom after all... (see 4min 45 sec in) http://www.youtube.com/watch?=P4JkJb4svZ4.

In general, I think C is too. Despite the yelling and consistent conflict, she knows her parents love her, support her and will always be there for her - no matter what color her hair is. And it's our job to keep it brown for a little while longer!

Nightmare

2011-07-24T10:53:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to say. In my mind I'm completely distracted and overwhelmed by what we've seen from Norway. It's too beautiful a country for this to happen there!

I've written and deleted this blog twice. I don't know how to express my thoughts to sound anything anyone would want to read. To me this attack is very person!

* I have been visiting Norway (or living there) nearly every year since 1988.

* My husband and both my children are citizens of Norway.

* My children were at a camp when the attacks took place.

* No one wants to hear the perpetrator's crazy Neo-Nazi propaganda, but as a former foreign resident of Norway, his message of hate hits me personally.

My feelings remind me of 9/11 when my country was under attack. At that point we lived in Norway, and my friends, neighbors and especially my colleagues were exceptionally kind to me. I wish I could be there to console them today.

My hope is that people will focus on the victims and ignore the perpetrator's message of hate. Listening to NPR's reporting this morning I was struck by the free advertising his message has been given throughout the world. By explaining his position, he is spreading his word and winning his fight.... the irony!

As a reminder to my son of how happy I am to have him home, I'll make his favorite: Norwegian pancakes. My daughter is too, but she slept over at a friends house... so she'll have to wait for a welcome home treat.

Finding what I'm looking for at U2...

2011-07-21T11:34:00.000-04:00

The stage was an integrated part of U2's performance

My ears are still ringing from the loud music and my heart racing a bit from the adrenaline. Bono rocked it until midnight and I'm guessing he's still sleeping now. It was part concert, part mission, and while some audience members weren't into the lecture, I drank it up. He celebrated Aung San Suu Kyi's release by having her to speak (in a video) about what one person can do. Later, Bono had a duet with Mark Kelly who was videotaped from aboard the International Space Station, and speaking Bono's lyrics for his wife, Gabrielle Giffords. I was probably most touched was when he dedicated an impromptu song for the recently deceased Clarence Clemons after seeing a poster that said "For Clarence" in the audience. For me, it wasn't just about Bono, it was about the experience.

The wait for U2 was LONG, but we had plenty of fun. At one point a man came through our section of the Meadowlands selling Italian Ice. My friend asked him if he had Vodka to go with it... and from the center pocket of his black apron he pulled out a small bottle. The $16 pricetag was slightly beyond what my friend was willing to pay. The rest of the night I wondered if he had sold someone else something more... um, organic, because we certainly could smell something in the warm summer breeze.

For me the most entertaining part of the concert wasn't the awesome music. It was a belated celebration of my 40th birthday. I brought together five friends who didn't know each other very well, but all had a good time. I got a taste of what a 40th birthday dinner roasting would have been. It's been a long time since I laughed like that at myself. My hometown friend (MCM) didn't realize I had not shared most of my best stories with the Bridgewater crowd. My "newer friends" (the two in the group who I've known for 8 years) taught MCM their favorite thing to tease me about. Let's just say it's a woof, woof - dog eat dog - world.

You have to love someone a lot to make playful fun of them without it feeling mean-spirited. It was a nice reminder that my friends certainly do love me enough, and there is PLENTY of material to last hours of entertainment at my expense, should they ever choose to give me a roast. It was a wonderful night and I'm so lucky to have such fun, and funny friends. As Bono reminded us, there is a lot of tragedy going on in the world, but lots to celebrate too.

A year and two-days late, it was a great way to bring in my 40s.

Oh, and MCM - next time you think that they have a certain species of dog in Chinatown make sure it's not at a restaurant on another continent. OK? Way to give a woman unnecessary heart palpitations!

to me, from me

2011-07-20T12:07:00.000-04:00

Flowers... a very rare treat

This year on my birthday I lined up an interview, bought myself flowers and made myself (and a lucky friend) a pitcher of homemade sangria. Tonight I will take 5 friends to see U2. That doesn't count the presents I received that weren't from me! Happy Birthday to me, indeed!

If my 40th year focused on stepping outside my comfort zone, is this the year I put myself ahead of others?

The past two weeks my cherubs have been at a sleep away camp. I haven't been able to speak to them or see them (except in pictures posted online). It has been a test of my endurance and love to see if I really mean it when I say "I'm happy for them!" I am sure you can hear me sigh when I think "if they are happy, then I'm happy".

There is a big disconnect between moms and non-moms. I think that women who don't have children see us Moms as misguided, self-sacrificing martyrs who expect their undeserved pity. Why should they feel bad for our lack of freedom when we chose to get knocked up and willingly bound to our ungrateful snots??? But the flip-side is we envy their perceived "selfishness and self-indulgence". We think they can do whatever they want. We women have so many double-standards and are so horrible at supporting one another, so it's no wonder we don't support ourselves.

$$$ treat with my husband, sans kids

If I dabble in a world where my kids don't come first, am I a horrible person, a terrible mom, and ungrateful for my children? Will my friends judge me? Or am I realist? In a few years they won't live with us anymore. Part of the terror in that is that I'll be lonely and may feel I've lost the meaning in my life. So isn't it OK that I test the waters a little now: take a 6-day vacation by myself, or a weekend with my husband, without them? What if I look into new career options that aren't necessarily family-friendly? Or spend money on myself instead of on them? Just in the month of July we bought me a new car (a 7-seater designed to cart them and their friends), and I spent a week traveling in the most expensive country in the world alone. Even focusing on my weight or knitting could be seen as a self-indulgence. Tonight I am going to a concert for a band that I've been waiting to hear since Reagan was president. The cheap tickets were $115, add to that parking, tolls, beer... (I prefer imports) and it won't be an cheap affair. And yesterday when I was returning from a day showing guests around NYC, I really imagined myself commuting to the Big Apple.

Let's be honest, once the kids return home, so will my pendulum. My schedule will focus on their activities, their schools, their friends and I'm happy about that. Even my obsession with the district really is about them, not about me. So this decadence may be short lived. I won't even treat myself for a pedicure, although I've been dreaming about it all week.

So are the moms in my readership going to judge my indulgence? Or will the non-moms who follow this blog (are there more than one or two???) looking at me with scorn for my misrepresenting them (it was tongue and cheek, but who gets that)?

Who cares?!!!! If my 41st year is about putting myself ahead of others, then what I think should trump what you do... And changing my perception of myself is probably the biggest step.

Either way, TONIGHT - we celebrate. I made it forty years, plus one. Mom or not. We all deserve to enjoy happy occasions with our friends!

BRRSD gets a gift...

2011-07-20T00:55:00.001-04:00

I missed the big meeting on Monday... but I have a good excuse. It was my birthday, and as I'm not actually on the Board, I get to go on a date with my husband instead of an emergency BOE meeting. If you want to read two viewpoints, here is from Dick Bergersen's Central NJ blog and here is the Patch's take. So this blog is based on what I've read in these two sources.

As a parent I am really disappointed that the BOE chose to give $20 of tax relief per family. It's a symbolic gesture at best. It's less than half of what it costs to fill my gas tank (and for some of you I'd guess it's closer to 1/3 of a tank). It's less than half of what I spent on gifts for teachers in 2010-2011. My Mom (who died 10 years ago today) would probably say "it's 2 bottles of wine".

We could have hired at least five teachers and reduced class sizes significantly in some of our schools. this money could have brought back (even temporarily) the costs of many programs that have been cut over the past few years. We could have done much-needed maintenance around the district. There are lots of things we need in Bridgewater schools!

From what I understand there's still no contract for the teachers union and the district, so the timing of this windfall was probably part of the decision. Perhaps giving tax relief was a way to be "strong" in negotiations. I get that the district doesn't want to appear to seem anything but cash-poor when negotiating with the BREA. I have little respect for Steve Beatty, and I am still miffed about the union pushing members to politicize our K-8 schools (the high school is a little different, IMHO) by rallying in front of our youngest students and wearing red. That said, I still think the idea was that this money should go to the DISTRICT for educational purposes, not as tax relief.

Finally, I wasn't there... so I didn't hear the public input session. I don't know what was said exactly, but I would like to shout out to one of the teachers quoted in the Patch. She is one of the finest teachers in the district, and one of the loveliest people I've had the luck of meeting. We have had several lengthy conversations. She loves her students, encourages their learning at whatever level she finds them, and she genuinely teaches from the heart. I wish I'd heard her speak last night.

Again I'm disappointed with the BOE. But I'm disgusted with the Union too! It's clear that they pushed teachers to show up at last night's meeting in large numbers politicizing this funding and perhaps making the BOE give it back to voters instead of to them. When I say I want the money to go to the schools, it isn't that I am looking for a change in the negotiations. I'm hoping for a return of lost programs, new teachers (even if only temporary) or capital improvements. In this heat, A/C comes to mind.......

***

Update:
http://www.mycentraljersey.com/article/20110721/NJNEWS/307210010/20-out-580-towns-use-school-aid-lower-tax?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE

Pasta Dinner

2011-07-14T14:51:00.000-04:00

(Written Wednesday, forgot to post)

I often tell people that I made my first friends in 7th grade. I claim they were my first friends, and accepted me into their already-well established circle of friends, and I never felt lonely again.

Nice fairy tale, but not exactly true.

Yesterday I saw two of my closest friends from elementary school. DJ and LK.

DJ was the boy down the street. Back in the day my Mom didn't like his dirty mouth (apparently he taught me the F-word, the S-word and showed me the difference between boys and girls), but he was nicer to me than the snotty girl up the street, and I did his paper route with him every day for years. Today he's in his early 40s, living with his mom after a tragic car accident (he was unhurt) a few years ago.

I ran into him yesterday, and he seemed a bit disappointed with his life. After I told him sob-stories of other friends down on their luck, he said he felt much better. He, in turn, made me feel like I was uber-accomplished. He said he remembered me as being a good listener! Really? It's strange what we remember. We had a pact. If neither of us had a date to the 6th grade dance, we'd go together. I don't remember how it ended up.... and I didn't think to ask DJ.

The view from LK's house

LK was the bride at a fairy-tale wedding last year. She has four daughters (from a previous marriage) and is a nurse, although she stays-at-home full-time now. When I look back on my life in elementary school I remember myself as unpopular, and my homelife as complicated. My parents were older, un-hip and did not do what most parents did. My dad wasn't a jock, and my Mom didn't hang with a single one of the other Moms at my school. I blamed my "unpopularity" on my parents being weird. Which is why when LK described one of her happiest childhood memories as sleeping over at my house and waking up to my Mom having made her a birthday breakfast celebration, it reminded me that mine is revisionist history. I had a Mom who loved my friends, and I had friends who loved me! How did I forget how much LK meant to me, especially in my early years? Or how kind my Mom had been to her? We had similar interests: she played bass, I played cello and we both sang. We were in lots of classes together and for the most part we had friends in common (and we both disliked the snotty kids from our elementary school equally, but for different reasons).

Last night I remember what I loved most about LK growing up. When you are with her, she makes you feel special. I was jealous in high school of the attention she got from all the boys. She was a pretty cheerleader, curvy and flirtatious. I was loud, with frizzy hair and lots of pimples. She did better than me in school, sports (she was on the diving team, I didn't dare try anything) and music. We had a falling out (about a boy) and lost touch. I am so happy to see how well she is doing now. Her daughters are wonderful, her husband is very nice and her home is gorgeous. I know she has some health issues, but she seemed very well yesterday.

It was a wonderful evening to share time with friends, laughing about old times. It made me wonder about the impact I will have on my children's lives, and whether the friendships they are forming now will last for thirty years? Will their friends remember me yelling at them or will they remember kindness I showed them?

They have evidence of both... but I hope the pendulum falls on the side of kindness and love. And if it is a single memory they carry into their adulthood of what it was like at our house. I hope they remember it the way LK remembered us.

A friend is someone who...

2011-07-12T08:27:00.000-04:00

...knows everything about you and likes you just the same.

Last night I had a double date of sorts. I took two men to dinner...

...my Dad and his longtime friend Dr G, both men are in their mid-80s.

Dr. G and his late wife have been friends with my parents since before my parents knew each other. My mom and the (then unmarried) Mrs G were both very smart, well-educated and sophisticated women from my hometown, in a time and place when there were smart women, but not many well-educated or sophisticated (in the 1940s-50s). Both men still mourn their wives.

I can see why my parents' friendship with the G's lasted many, many decades. The topics of conversation last night were nearly endless. We talked about art (the G's have a vast collection of native American art that they collected over decades and have recently donated to a local museum) and literature. I told him stories about what is appropriate at a Bat Mizvah in New Jersey ca. 2011. We talked about travel, foreign languages, child-raising, the politics of special-needs children. But mostly we spoke of love and friendship.

What did I learn from this? Moving away from my hometown has cost me the day-to-day relationship with lifelong friends. My father and Dr G have so much in common: the same circle of friends, the same interests, the same profession, and as they age, even having lost their wives, and their lives have taken some difficult turns. Health issues has come and gone. Family crises have hit both of our households, but still Dr. G and Dad have each other.

Their friendship has lasted nearly five decades. I hope that when I'm 86 my kids will take me and my friends to dinner, helping my friend to the door from the car, as needed. When I invited Dr. G to dinner, I thought I was doing it to be nice to them. What I learned was, I really was the one being treated. I'm grateful for Dr. G's life-long friendship too!

Where did the week go???

2011-07-08T08:17:00.000-04:00

It's been quite a week!

When last I checked in with you, I was in Evenskjer, Norway. After that I flew to Oslo. I spent time with one of my most talented friends. You have them too - people that you are very happy for, but envy ever, ever so slightly. IRH and I traveled together for about a week in May 1991. We were supposed to last a month... but we were sort of the odd couple of travel. I was terrified after a hostel in Amsterdam which I thought reminded me of a crack-house, bomb shelter and wanted to upgrade to just staying with guests. Inga liked living on the edge and turned it into a career. She became a freelance travel journalist, learned Spanish and has covered the entire world! I've written about my yearn to travel before, and of course, I do travel and am very fortunate. But I am impressed by all IRH has done in her 40 years. She now shares her life with with her teenage son and charming boyfriend from Africa. I was extra lucky: in Oslo, rather than overpriced restaurants with so-so international cuisine, I got to have homemade Eritrean food. Unlike my travel journalist friend, I ate with my hands, as her boyfriend did. ;-)

This week I'm back to my life. I returned to my chaotic house with a very clean fridge. A possibly drunk, but definitely out of control driver joyrode through our yard, taking out lots of bushes and our electrical transformer. Better safe than sorry, T had to throw out everything from our freezer and fridge which were without power for GodKnows how long. He also had to deal with the insurance company and neighbors.

My job since I got home: prepare for camp! Lots of laundry. Do we really have this many clothes??? I'm seriously tempted to THROW the unmatched socks rather than attempt to match them - no one will miss them, since they have been in a pile on a sofa since it was cold enough to need socks. Have you ever thrown socks instead of matching them?! I also realize that I have to go to the DMV (I never updated my license after "the incident" although the sting has long subsided, I'm great at procrastinating) and my license expires at the end of the month. I could list the rest of my TTDs but it simply isn't that interesting. Suffice today it is going to be a busy day! I say good-bye to my car of 3 years. It was fun having a sedan, but you can't run away from who you are, and my life needs a 7 seater. Goodbye blue Acura TSX, hello silver Mazda CX-9.

Better get it all started. Looking forward to sharing my home area with BW friends. There isn't much to see, but I'm looking forward to it. Yes, parts of it look like where Deliverance, but the rest of it is quite nice, and the people.... are my peeps.

Finally: NPR is on in the background chatting away about the final space shuttle. I remember we were in a hotel room in Hilton Head, South Carolina with my Mom. She passionately said, "You need to watch this landing! History is being made here. You never forget this moment!" It wasn't quite like a walk on the moon, but she was right: I never forgot watching with her. I was also with her when the Challenger exploded in January of 1986. Finally, I'm remembering my friend Yngve. He was starting his Sophomore year at MIT when he was murdered. He had a 4.0 and wanted to work for NASA, so I'm guessing that was in the cards. He would have been there for sure today!

A break from my vacation

2011-06-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

Last night I was up until 1am, but the sun was up even longer. I am going to the wedding of a friend who lives several hours North of the Arctic Circle on Saturday and staying with her through the weekend. If you live that far north this time of year it means that the sun doesn't set.

Turns out other things aren't setting either at home either! A friend sent me a link from Dick Bergersen's blog (link to the right) explaining that negotiations have stalled between the BREA & the BOE. I'm really disappointed, but frankly, not surprised. It seemed like there wasn't a lot of love between the two parties as of late...

Months ago I told someone the worst case scenario would be a strike... and you know what, tonight I am realizing that something I said in jest could become a reality. And I thought things were bad now?

Instead of stressing about something I can't change, I will go back to my friends. They are serving shrimp (I've had seafood every single day that I've been here!. I think I could use a glass of wine to go with the latest news from home.

Or, maybe when I'm in this beautiful house where I have a 180degree view of the mountains (it's really amazing!) I will enjoy the company and the wine...

...just because I can!

tempus fugit

2011-06-29T04:05:00.000-04:00

I spent last week as I have spent many summer weeks: at my in-laws' summer house.

As I write this (on my cell phone, so don't expect much text or editing), I am watching the plane with my husband and children take off for Copenhage, where they will catch the flight HOME. I'll be on a similar plane in less than a week but I still am tearing up as their plane is taxiing (?) and taking off into the clouds before my eyes.

When you travel to the same place to do the same things every year you can easily think that the more things change the more they stay the same. But not this year. My kids are changing. My daughter is almost an adult. Last night she confidently drove me around in the boat that I cursed my husband for letting her take out solo just a few years ago. This summer my (less confident) son tried hard to master the boat... and the language. It's amazing to see the changes in him in a week.

I realized I'm getting older too. That's ok. Last year I jogged 10 km... this year I did it twice. I also let my son guide me through an old, dark, dank underground bunker from the Germans. At first I said no way.... It's good to know that the kids aren't the only ones who can develop and grow. Mom and Dad can too.

Midsummer Night's Walk

2011-06-23T18:42:00.000-04:00

Tonight is the night when Scandinavians celebrate midsummer. If we lived in Norway my teenage daughter would have asked to walk (without us, but with her friends) about a mile to a bonfire with lots of other teenagers. About 11 she and her friends would have walked home and the older teens and young 20-somethings would continue celebrating the night with beer, wine and who knows what through the night.

Only once of twice have I ever celebrated midsummer. Once I walked the streets of Finland (I was 16) and it was the only night my host family didn't give me a curfew. I got to kiss a boy that I had a crush on, but left for home less than a week later... so they were bittersweet kisses.

Today I reflect on the fact that I am lucky to spend midsummer night healthy and happy with my two beautiful children.

Today I went for a walk in my old neighborhood with am former neighbor, IH. She is just as lovely as ever and it is always one of my biggest regrets that I couldn't stay in that neighborhood forever. But life brought us to Bridgewater and we are happy there too... and have made many beautiful friends there too.

On our walk she told me something very sad.

Eleven years ago we got new neighbors. Turns out the wife, Linda, was pregnant. She was due a few weeks after I was. But my husband ran into her husband at the hospital: she had a son the same day I had a son! We lived in the same duplex (a single family home divided in 2) and had sons born the same day. Linda was smart - she took a law degree almost totally on her own. After becoming a lawyer, in her 30s she became a judge.

Today I heard that she died. More than five years ago she got breast cancer. I heard she was cancer-free the last time I asked about her, but apparently it came back and this spring she died.

So today I'm grateful that my fate has kept me healthy. And I'm sad to hear the world has lost a talented woman and loving Mom. When I knew her she was a doting mom and a smart professional.

My neighborhood isn't going to be the same because from now on when I see my old house I'll realize that one of it's inhabitants is gone.

Rest in peace Linda. I wish we had kept in touch....

Misunderstood

2011-06-18T22:36:00.000-04:00

My daughter wore her "outfit from Eleanor's". Of course, she meant her black skirt and shirt that we bought with with LuLu and NR last winter. This time it was for the wake of someone whom I'd never met, but heard lots about. A loving husband and father.

Politics are politics, and love is love.

I complain about the union, and A LOT about the BOE. But if I want one thing to be clear in this blog, it is that I have really fallen in love with some of the teachers we have come across in the district. Maybe I forget to mention how ever-grateful I am that our fate brought us to such wonderful people. Do I love every teacher we've ever had the "pleasure" (ha!) of dealing with? No. Have I always agreed with those whom I did love? Nope. But don't misunderstand my bitching and moaning: We have been blessed many times over in Bridgewater.

Tonight I brought my daughter and NR to the wake of the husband of their second grade teacher. Ms. Teacher and I have a lot in common. Both of us come off as a little rough around the edges. Both of us are not afraid of being direct and honest, and in our own ways we both advocate for kids. I LOVE both C's kindergarten and 1st grade teachers. So when I say that Ms. 2nd grade teacher taught my daughter to read, it isn't that I'm criticizing Mrs. Kindergarten and Mrs. First-Grade. At our Teacher Conference in November Ms Teacher said she had to redo C's reading assessment several times because she jumped 2 grade levels from September to November. I also remember that I was perturbed when N was in 2nd grade, thinking that their lack of journal-writing was a "watering down" of the system, when really Ms. Teacher was DIFFERENTIATING the curriculum to meet C's need for enrichment. I'm grateful for Ms. Teacher.

Ms. Teacher suddenly lost her husband this week. Here again, she and I have something in common. We are both married to immigrants, and have children who are living in dual-culture homes. We are bi-lingual and bi-cultural.

My heart goes out to Ms. Teacher. She also married a man seeking the American dream. Neither of us are the most popular, but we are both smart and honest. Neither of us have hidden agendas (I don't think) and we aren't afraid to disagree with those around us. That's why I like her.

I'm am really sorry for her. A Father's wake on the eve of Father's Day - it's awful, and a funeral the same weekend as a daughter's graduation - horrible! She's too young to lose her husband. Her kids are too young to lose their dad... Ms. Teacher is a strong woman, and in time will get through this, because that is what strong women do. I hope she knows I care. And I hope she knows that I'm thinking of her and will be for a long time to come. Cause in the end we may disagree (and I haven't actually asked her) about BOE/BREA/BW politics (but I'm guessing we do), but we probably agree that she is a good person, and this is a very sad loss.

The lady in red...

2011-06-16T23:04:00.004-04:00

Red is my favorite color. My signature even. I wear at least a little red nearly every day. We have a red sofa, I have at least 3 red coats. It is the color of love and blood and passion... Tomato sauce... peppers, cherries. Strawberries... CHRISTMAS... It's been my favorite color my whole life - and that's getting to be a long time. I wore red to prom, to many parties, when I was on The View and in my wedding bouquet. When running for the BOE I tended to wear red or pink to look feminine but strong.

Normally I LOVE to see other people wearing red too. MR looks especially good with bright red lipstick. And, of course MCM has red hair...

Today though, C came home from school and said all the teachers at the Middle School were wearing red. I didn't get it... She explained it was apparently to support the union. (The kids at N's school wore red for MARE week... no word yet on what the teachers were wearing. But now I'm a bit curious. Did they wear red to be pro-union or blue to support the school spirit???) I am tempted to wake N and ask him before he forgets!!! (Note: His school is on the video below and they are all in red- and both of his teachers were absent yesterday. My kids' elementary school is the one at the beginning of the video.)

I'm not against liberal-leaning politics. If you know anything about me, you know I'm far left of center! Nor am I a stranger to political canvasing! My sister is a lobbyist for Planned Parenthood and my brother works for PBS and President of his state's Humanities Council and I'd work with/for either of them in a New York Minute. Three of my last four employers were state colleges/universities. So clearly I'm pro public education. (I ran for the BOE on a give more opportunities to more kids platform, although my message wasn't clear enough). But I don't get teachers who are parading a political agenda with an audience of 12-14 year old kids (or now I see, 5 and 6 year olds). Middle school kids can't vote and they don't care - especially 3 days before summer vacation!

So why canvas the school in red t-shirts???? And, why RED???? (Yes I am probably very ignorant here, there is probably a reason, readily available on the NJEA or BREA websites). Red has been taken by the right! C asked 3 different teachers about the red clothes. They (and I quote her) "sorta explained. It was something about their retirement - but it didn't make sense." When I offered to explain further, C actually preferred to go to bed rather than listen. This made my point. Kids don't care, and voters aren't around to see what teachers are wearing!

But when I think about it further... I don't wear red for other people. I wear red for myself. To me it's the color of confidence. Maybe union members aren't wearing clothes in solidarity as much as they are wearing it for their own feelings of inclusion. Maybe they aren't trying to convince 12 and 13 and 14 year olds that they should tell their parents to support the union (which is what I assumed at first). Maybe they are trying to feel part of the rallies in Trenton or the negotiations we (the public) don't know much about.

And anyway, we are all sending (probably unintended) messages about our politics every day in what we wear. Lands End catalog? You're a suburbanite. Short skirt = slut. Decadent diamonds: probably voted for Bush. Birkenstocks? One guess... Yes, I'm being facetious.

Red may be the color of conservatives - and I'm many many many things, but I'm not that, even though I love to wear red. But it's also the color of one of my very very very favorite things. People like it regardless of politics, and pretty much all over the world, and since ancient times:

Wine!

So enjoy one of my favorite songs (below) and with my favorite drink (above).

Maybe Chris DeBurgh is right?
"I've never seen you shine so bright... you were amazing
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side...
and when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away..."

Maybe that's what the teachers were going for (doubtful, but maybe) - and who can blame them.

Under the Sea

2011-06-13T22:32:00.000-04:00

Down the shore...

"Such wonderful things are all around you,
what more are you looking for?
Under the sea,
Under the sea,
Darling it's is better,
down where it's wetter,
take it from me...
Up on the shore,
they work all day,
Out in the sun they slave all day...
While we devoting, full time we're floating,
Under the sea...."

Dissecting the squid. Students of all ages welcome

My son's school has a special marine program called MARE. It's part of their Science curriculum, but they really focus on and celebrate marine life every June. This is my 3rd year attending and I really enjoyed myself. After the decorations, we rushed to be the first group to dissect the squid. It was my daughter's former Science teacher who was running the show, and as usual she did a great job breaking it down and preventing a major yuck factor. We learned the various parts, what they were for and also a little squid trivia. Did you know they swim at 20 miles per hour and live all over the planet?? (Or that they are eaten in every country in the world?)

Although it seemed much less crowded this year than in the past, I really think that it is a highlight of the Science curriculum, and includes what I have been complaining that the school lacks: enrichment that encompasses EVERYONE regardless of level. I learned lots of things - and our squid was a girl. There is both an ink and a pen in a squid. Who knew?

There were more games in past years, but this year they had done more decorating, effectively transforming the school into an ocean. Every single child had an opportunity to share their knowledge - and their artistic talents - and it was certainly a team effort. There were 3D fish (and other marine life) all over the school.

Best part of all... finally using the "beach"

But the best part of all: the relaxed atmosphere. So often you go to PTO or school events and it is stressful. How often do you see a Principal in a Hawaiian shirt?

Sitting outside, waiting for it to get dark enough to enjoy the outdoor movie (which never really materialized - when they planned this last winter, they forgot how late it stays light in mid-June), the kids and parents all used the beach-area. Parents talked with one another, kids ran around, not really caring that there was no movie (Oceans was also playing in the gym).

We finally gave up waiting for darkness and let the kids play on the playground.

It was a beautiful night. My son loved it and so did I!

Moral Relativism

2011-06-12T12:18:00.000-04:00

Several of my friends have been outraged about the whole Weinerscandal.

I'm yawning.

I just don't care enough about what politicians do to spend my limited emotional resources worrying about them. Bill Maher really had me laughing last night when I saw this (don't watch with your kids around!!! This is HBO*, after all!):

But what if I did care. I mean, what if it were one of my friends? It's easy to judge a politician over coffee with my happily married girlfriends. To be honest, Hillary staying with Bill sent a terrible message of "stand by your man" that still bugs me more than even Arnold or countless other politicians...

Sometimes when I watch TV I find myself cheering that the main character will cheat, sometimes not (In Sex-and-the-City I wanted Carrie to stay faithful to Aiden, but I wanted her to cheat on Alexander). Moral relativism from the safety of my sofa.

It's different in real life! How do we treat our imperfect friends? I know I am guilty of moral relativism here - a friend recently told me she had cheated on her husband, and I was actually happy for her! Another friend's liaison? I have to admit I've been less supportive. Moral relativism.

Is little moral relativism a good thing? Who of us is perfect? Not me! I talk on my cell while driving every single day. My house is a mess. I'd rather drink wine than water. And on and on the list goes. How about you? Never mind... that's between You and YOU. Maybe you are perfect, or close to it... and maybe this song is for you?

Skirting the issue

2011-06-08T08:05:00.000-04:00

I have to admit it: my daughter has good taste. She likes pretty (albeit expensive) clothes and generally speaking we don't argue about what she wants to wear that often.

C's wearing a similar skirt.**

Today I love her outfit. She is wearing a navy flowered miniskirt (purchased at a store that you can both hear and smell from 500 feet away) and a pink t-shirt.

She looks great!

But earlier this year she got in trouble for the same skirt being too short for dress code (they didn't measure in the office, they just eyed her and wrote her name down). This skirt may be a little short, but otherwise it is age-appropriate, so it really got my goat when C had detention because it "looked too short". C says it is bias against taller girls. She happened to meet the Superintendent at the Middle School. What was the one thing the girls wanted to change about the MS? The answer was easy: the dress code! (She also wanted him to give her LAL teacher a raise, which he said he couldn't do).

Another time C asked if she and her friends could bring a petition before the BOE. She got a lesson in division of power (I didn't have the heart to tell her that the BOE doesn't seem to care how many people sign petitions). I explained that the BRMS dress code is up to the Principal. She found both the Superintendent AND the BOE less intimidating than the Principal!

So today when the district is apparently contemplating sending children home early because of the heat, I hope that the powers that be in the air-conditioned offices of the Middle School give a little slack on the dress code! I'd rather have my daughter be in a morally questionably-length skirt (ha!) then lose 2 hours of instruction. But that's just me.....

** Picture from http://www.tforia.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/anf_skirt.gif - accessed June 8, 2011.

Momento mori

2011-06-06T21:01:00.000-04:00

Another victim of cancer... another daughter rehearsing a eulogy today...CM was running through what she's going to say on Wednesday at her Mom's funeral when I spoke with her. MJM talked about how she just lost her best friend. I wasn't really her daughter, but I share in their loss.

Growing up there was a place I could always turn to when I needed love: Missie B's kitchen. Just down the road, the M family always knew when I needed extra care. I've mentioned my mother as a famous cook and brilliant woman, but our kitchen never resonated the warmth that Missie B's had. When I was sad, I was fortunate enough to have a 2nd family looking out for me, with Missie B always willing to welcome me into her kitchen.

She was a warm and loving soul.

Part of me wants to go to her funeral to pay my last respects, and give her my thanks. Part of me thinks I should stay away. Do I stay or do I go? Tick-tock-tick-tock. I need to make a final decision. The funeral is in New Hampshire, so I need to make arrangements. I think Missie B would say that I shouldn't leave my kids, husband and dog. Part of me, though, is drawn to go.

Maybe a better way to honor her memory is to make sure my own kitchen is a place of refuge for other people's children the way hers was for me? Does someone else's child, someone who needs a little extra love, feel they can come to me for love and support the way I did with Missie B? Will any of C or N's friends think of me when they are 40, and remember me as that person they could turn to when they needed love as I remember her?

The next time I am feeling impatient or overwhelmed, I should remember what being a great mother looks like, and practice Missie B's example. In an age when mothering was NOT a competitive sport, she was a winner! Rest peacefully, Missie B. God knows you deserve it after a lifetime of taking care of others! And thanks for the pizzelles.

White Nights

2011-06-05T09:24:00.001-04:00

It's hard to imagine that "The Enemy" was ever anyone but a group of religious fundamentalists who destroyed Lower Manhattan and who have been committing random acts of extreme violence in this country and throughout the world for more than 15 years.

But it was. In 1987 the arch enemy was the USSR.... The Russians!

And my parents sent me with a tour group from my exchange student organization to the heart of the Iron Curtain: Moscow and Leningrad (now St. Petersburg). It was an amazing leap of faith, especially considering my father didn't want me to go to Finland because it bordered Russia! My Mom heard that the Hermitage Museum was part of the trip and she sent me in order to pay homage to her master, DaVinci.

Today I opened yesterday's New York Times and the memories flooded back: "White Nights in St. Petersburg". At 16 my parents let me go. I don't usually quote my diaries in this blog. In fact, I never have. But today I will share a few entries (keeping mistakes). The first was written 24 years ago today.

2am, 05 June 1987, for Thursday

I'll never forget tonight no matter how long I live. It proved that the Russians - youth are friendly - wanting to be friends and hospitable. After an extended tour of Moscow's subways (which are incredibly beautiful - like it's own museum) we split into groups - the group I was with didn't go back to the hotel. We met this guy "Gregory" who walked us around the city. He was dressed VERY American - same Reebocks as me, green coat, pink backpack. We told him we wanted some action, so he took us to his grandmother's apartment. We were there with a few of his friends, all drinking wine. Only Gregory spoke relatively great, good or any English. Being there was an undescribable experience. We sipped wine, talked (he said so much!!) and sang. Beatles! Yesterday and others. Then he and his friend sang 2 beautiful songs in Russia. The English he knew... impressive! well, I guess he can read well so he learns long political types of words. He kept saying to make ourselves feel as if it were our home. it did. Afterwards I felt a bit guilty because we didn't trust or believe him at first about his grandmother's house. But, I guess it was understandable! 

Moscow is a great city. I cant' describe how strange and unreal it feels to be here. We've seen and done so much already. It's a HUGE city! In the day we went to Red Square and ate in the biggest Restaurant in Europe 2x. 

07 June 1987, writing about 06.06

Well, we got up at about 9 and went to breakfast. By the way, the food's been relatively shitty. It's not too edible. We can't drink the water, and the food... is like eating at camp. 

Afterwards we went to Lenin's tomb. he was actually living there - air tight room and you could see his entire body - along with lot of peoples tomb-stones place in a wall - this is all in red Square, across the street from "Gum". Allison and I went to Gum - kind of something between a mall and a flee market. I bought champagne and something for Nonny. Allison and i sold something on the black market. it's a big buisness - selling on the blackmarket.

Well we took a taxi home and we spoke Finnish the whole time (so the driver didn't think we were Americans). (...)

08 June 1987

Well, yesterday we arrived in Leningrad. Our hotel and the food are better here but the water situation has worsened. The shower water is brown (REALLY!) and REALLY unsafe to drink. They call Leningrad the Venice of the North. 

We went for a long buse ride and were bored. It blows your mind that we're seeing all these things and people we learned last year (I'm talking about my 10th grade High School European History Class). I wish I'd seen it before Mrs. Newcomb's class. 

In the Afternoon we saw the Hermitage in The Winter Garden Palace. I feel like I should have seen the DeVinci's longer and I didn't like the free-style painting of Picasso. (They had a special exhibition on him). 

(...)

Immediately after a small group of us went to the city. I ended up having a pepsi with Jason and Robert. We spent the whole evening/night together. We were in Winter Palace Square enjoying the white nights while watching these people who were so oviously Americans. I made a very accurate and deep comment that they look exactly as we did at CW Post (our pre-departure orientation, at this point we had been living in Europe for about 10 months). They even played with a hacki-sack.

So finally Jason and Roberts friends showed up and we drove around in their LADA for a while looking for friends. Then we found them and did something very romantic and fun, we went for a carriage ride. Done in the "sunset" (at 12.30am). It was an undescribably feeling sitting up there in front with Robert and the guy. Then we stopped and drank champagne and ate little cakes. I was a bit tipsy.

Then they drove to the other side of the bridge because they rise at 2 am - 4am so the boats can go into the city. From there we hitchhiked home.

I hope you enjoyed "foreign correspondent" and future Soccer Mom's view of the world. Maybe I'll see if I can scan some pictures sometime.    These days my world is really Central Jersey and instead of ornate Russian subways, I travel by Japanese cars. Coming home from Finland I LOVED reading the New York Times Travel Section every Sunday and desperately wanted to be a Correspondent. Looking back now, I wouldn't give up my kids or husband or my life (insert small sigh) but I see that part of me was on the path of any good travel writer: observe and share. 

Literary discovery

2011-06-03T22:21:00.000-04:00

Being that I wasn't working, I spent most of the day reading a book that my daughter's fabulous LAL teacher suggested. Saving CeeCee Honeycutt is a woman's book. By a woman, about women (almost like the feminist literature I read in college, men are are background fixtures) and each character radiates a mixture of femininity and strength. I can't put it down!

I've also been "coked up on Facebook". One of the topics that I read last night by my uber-talented friend, was reposted by another smart Chiquita. Both criticized a Nobel Laureate who claimed that his writing is superior to all women, and that you can tell a women's writing by it's sentimental content.

I read several rebuttals... NPR wrote one here. The New York Times had several comments on several blogs. I liked this one (and it's short!). You can spend hours sucked into the web's vortex if you wish.

The title of my blog gives away my sex even if my voice doesn't, but it should. I'm proud of the woman I am. I took the Guardian test to see if you can guess if something was written by a man or a woman. I got 3 out of 10 correct.

So I'll end with something else I found on the net: a list of 250 books I found on a website. http://www.joylandmagazine.com/brian/blog/250_books_women_all_men_should_read "Books written by women that every man should read". Guess what - there are a lot of titles on there that are new to me. I need to get reading. But first things first... back to CeeCee Honeycutt. Nothing like an English teacher who can inspires our children (and their parents) to read! I've never been one to burn books - but if I were, I know whose books I'd put onto the fire first!

Something's lost, something's gained

2011-06-02T22:29:00.000-04:00

Today I "lost" my job. Nothing formal. No paperwork. No board room drama. No teary good-byes. I sent one last e-mail and rushed out to pick up C from the Middle School, taking a small tin of personal items, my toothbrush was still unopened from the box. I wasn't fired, I just ran out of stuff to do. My boss will call me when they need me. Then again, he may choose to call someone else instead. Today for a moment I was reminded of Spring 1985. I was a freshman "going out with" a senior, but when it came time for that prom, he brought someone else. In this case, we were two temps and the other woman got the permanent position. Looking back now, not getting invited to prom was a bigger disappointment than not getting this job, to give you an idea how little I had emotionally invested.

But I realized I gained something: lots of weight. I spent three of the last four months working out and eating healthy, and when I was finally within just a few pounds of my goal I took a job with lots of cookies and daily catering and no time to exercise. So tonight I downloaded music to my cell phone, turned-mp3 player so that I can spend the next weeks running off the daily biscotti, stuffed shells and all the other no-nos I have enjoyed at work.

I don't mind being benched. Have you seen the weather? It's the paycheck that stay at home moms get to cash: the ability to spend time outside all day long when the weather is nice! Or rather: it's always been MY paycheck. Paybacks for not getting a paycheck. The kitchen can completely fall apart. The laundry can wait until it can't wait any longer. If it is nice outside I want to be in the fresh air. Look for me tomorrow. I'll be the one with the blaring ipod and the big smile. Ran 2.5 miles tonight listening to empowered women, like Cher. (Oh, MC & SA, I also added our newest song to my running mix and I'll smile and think of the dirty little freaks when I run!). Fresh air, good music and sunshine beats an office on a summer day!

2011 has (so far) been a Year or Wonder. I spent January and February in a period of perpetual sadness and contemplation. Then I spent several months this spring trying to reach goals outside of my comfort zone. This process is ongoing, as I seek new challenges. I'd like to spend this summer planning my next step. So much of life has been fate - what has happened to me. Which road did I stumble upon. Which roads did I avoid. I wonder if I have a plan, can I execute it? It I'm actively going to plan my life, I better be more certain of the direction. "It's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all..."

Time for a change

2011-06-01T22:03:00.000-04:00

Before e-mail. Before fax machines. Before cell phones. And certainly before blogs... I wrote letters. I must have written lots of letters since I have tons of letters others have written back. Poppet the Pack Rat rarely throws away a letter.

Long-time readers know that I like to change the blog's background with the seasons. This summer's choice may not be your cup of tea, but I chose it for a reason. It matches stationary (do my kids even know that word?) that I had about 20 years ago. Since this blog sometimes sounds like a letter to the you, my readers, I thought it would be an appropriate choice.

And if you hate the colors (and I know one of you will) you'll be happy to know that come fall I'll debut a new line. Let's hope there will be original thoughts, as well.

Don't judge a blog by it's background.

Happy Reading!