Saturday, July 17, 2010

39.9999999999999999999999999999999999999...

I am about to turn 40. In general I am very grateful. Grateful to have made it this far, mostly unscathed. Grateful to have my husband, children and my wonderful family. Grateful for my countless friends and for the good fortune I've had to be able to travel all over the world. I have so many material things that I wouldn't know where to start....

But on the eve of my 40th birthday I find myself in a rut in which I am mourning what I don't have or can't have instead of basking in the happiness of my good fortune. I'm actually feeling sorry for myself because the one "gift" I want for my birthday got vetoed. And when we brought up for discussion the "what do you want to do tomorrow on your big day" I brainstormed ideas, while I shrugged my shoulders (inwardly) because second best isn't the same.

I also was crying today because one of the people closest to me in this world did nothing to note that I am turning 40 tomorrow. She had her kids give me a hug, "Hug Poppet - and wish her happy birthday" but this person didn't give me so much as a card. Why should I let this stupid stuff bother me? Then someone defended her, saying she probably forgot. Forgot my ass. She's known July 18th is my birthday since... forever!

So for my 40th, can you say a prayer to whomever you pray to, that whatever God you believe in gives me the good sense to continue my journey toward being grateful for what I have and not to spiral, or to revert, into an even more immature state of myself where I cry over a slight like this!

Everyone craves youth - I guess I do too. But I don't yearn to be youthful in looks at the cost of my near-40 years of wisdom. Give me the ability to see past my own vanity, my own selfishness and forgive me for wanting silly things when really I have soooo much to celebrate.

I want to bring in Middle Age (SHEESH) in style with a big smile of my face. Not with stupid, hot tears. Don't misunderstand - I am a very appreciative person. It's not about the gifts. I don't even really crave recognition. Just this year.....

Start baking, friends. I have a lifelong policy of never-saying-no to birthday cake - especially if I'm the recipient!

2 comments:

Renee L. Berry said...

It's officially your birthday (at least according to my computer's clock), and I wish I'd been there today to give you a card in person (mine should be waiting for you when you get home) and a hug and tell you how dear you and your friendship are to me. There's no one else in the world like you Poppet. Enjoy your special day, even if you have to make your own joy. We shall celebrate in style when next we meet.
xoxo

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday