Something's lost, something's gained

Today I "lost" my job. Nothing formal. No paperwork. No board room drama. No teary good-byes. I sent one last e-mail and rushed out to pick up C from the Middle School, taking a small tin of personal items, my toothbrush was still unopened from the box. I wasn't fired, I just ran out of stuff to do. My boss will call me when they need me. Then again, he may choose to call someone else instead. Today for a moment I was reminded of Spring 1985. I was a freshman "going out with" a senior, but when it came time for that prom, he brought someone else. In this case, we were two temps and the other woman got the permanent position. Looking back now, not getting invited to prom was a bigger disappointment than not getting this job, to give you an idea how little I had emotionally invested.

But I realized I gained something: lots of weight. I spent three of the last four months working out and eating healthy, and when I was finally within just a few pounds of my goal I took a job with lots of cookies and daily catering and no time to exercise. So tonight I downloaded music to my cell phone, turned-mp3 player so that I can spend the next weeks running off the daily biscotti, stuffed shells and all the other no-nos I have enjoyed at work.

I don't mind being benched. Have you seen the weather? It's the paycheck that stay at home moms get to cash: the ability to spend time outside all day long when the weather is nice! Or rather: it's always been MY paycheck. Paybacks for not getting a paycheck. The kitchen can completely fall apart. The laundry can wait until it can't wait any longer. If it is nice outside I want to be in the fresh air. Look for me tomorrow. I'll be the one with the blaring ipod and the big smile. Ran 2.5 miles tonight listening to empowered women, like Cher. (Oh, MC & SA, I also added our newest song to my running mix and I'll smile and think of the dirty little freaks when I run!). Fresh air, good music and sunshine beats an office on a summer day!

2011 has (so far) been a Year or Wonder. I spent January and February in a period of perpetual sadness and contemplation. Then I spent several months this spring trying to reach goals outside of my comfort zone.  This process is ongoing, as I seek new challenges. I'd like to spend this summer planning my next step. So much of life has been fate - what has happened to me. Which road did I stumble upon. Which roads did I avoid. I wonder if I have a plan, can I execute it? It I'm actively going to plan my life, I better be more certain of the direction. "It's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all..."


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