Route 78 remembers

Yesterday I wrote a blog that I never published. It was lamenting my mid-life crisis about my career trajectory - or lack thereof. I didn't publish it because I felt it sounded too "woe is me" and I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.

Today I remembered a near-tragic day. About three years ago, the four of us were rushing to make an event in New York, and driving 10 miles below the speed limit on Route 78, when our car hydroplaned in the rain. We spun around a few times and crashed into the side railing. the cars speeding toward us from behind somehow never hit us and we didn't plummeted over the bridge to our deaths. The car only suffered minor damage and we walked away without a scratch. Both T and I have had lingering fears. We don't drive I 78 in the rain if we can avoid it at all, often taking longer routes. For months he wouldn't take I 78 even in good weather.

The first few days after the accident I honored my new lease on life. Small things didn't bother me and I savored everyday moments. I thought back then that I needed to rethink my future and live as though every day would be my last.

So now I am thinking again - what do I want my life to be? If these are my last days or weeks or months or years, how should I live them? Now is the time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up,since I am grown up. My friends already have nearly 20 years in their jobs. If I want a career with meaning I have to build it myself.

Likewise, if I want to improve the relationships I have with people in my life *I* have to make an effort. Should I have made C feel guilty about wearing mascara, that I bought her for her birthday? NO! Should I let N watch TV instead of work practice the NJASK? NO! Should I book our next vacation? Yes! Should I go see my aging dad asap - Yes! Should I... the list is very long. Do I want to do these "shoulds"? YES! So I need to get off my duff and make an effort!

Living life where every day could be your last is a lot of pressure. I was already feeling under the gun. I have to remember that I am doing these things because I want to or I want certain outcomes in my life.

What else does a life lived as if it were my last need? Balance? Love? Plans.

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