Obsolete??

It was an emotional day for Bridgewater's soccer mom.

It seems that my plan to go back to work has had a setback and I am taking it a bit harder than when I originally was given the no go (in person at the end of the interview). Some of these feelings were left over from a job interview that didn't go my way. Basically the interviewer said she was afraid to hire someone who was returning to the workforce after being at home because she was afraid my heart wouldn't be into the job. "I want someone who wants to own it." On my end there were huge red flags when two different women separately told me that they regularly send and receive e-mail at 3am. When I questioned this, saying I am not a night owl and 3am working hours would render me useless the following day, I saw the writing on the wall. Clearly 3am e-mails were a deal breaker for both of us.

So this encounter reiterated my impression that women in the workforce find women like me to be lazy. Are stay-at-home Moms doomed to stay barefoot in their kitchens forever? Let's be honest, the question is about me. Am *I* always going to be seen as unable to cut it in the workforce because I haven't been carting my cookies to the office for the last six years? Has it really gotten so bad that measly project managers are expected to work 24/7? I never got far enough to negotiate but I promise you that this job was not paying an executive salary! And even then, what kind of salary-class is high enough to warrant working at 3am? My husband regularly is online and working at that hour, but he truly functions well at night. I don't. So shoot me!

At the same time, it seems my shelf-life at home just got shorter. This is what initiated the noontime water works. Today C flew by herself to Miami to visit a friend who moved to Florida earlier this summer. I cried as though I were sending her to the moon for a year. When I thought about it a bit, I realized my tears weren't from the desperation of missing my daughter. I was sad because it is one more thing that she can do on her own. She no longer needs me to take her exciting places. Am I becoming obsolete on the homefront too?

My husband laughed at me when he heard me describe how I cried at the airport. He sees it as a good thing that she is independent enough to do this by herself. It supposedly shows we are doing our job as parents by teaching her to make her way in the world.

I still was sad because "C no longer needs me".  Then N piped up from the back seat...

"What about me? I still need you, Mom!" That made me feel like a million bucks.

Sitting in my childhood bedroom, looking at the curtains my mom sewed for me for my 12th birthday I realize you always need your Mom.

You don't always need a 3am e-mail! In fact, this job which was basically in pharma advertising would never be so pressing that I am needed to be up 24/7.

The right job is out there. I know it, and I'm not finished with my current position yet! It's a work in progress... hopefully I'll find a way to make the two things (my kids and my work) co-exist.

No more tears. Putting your daughter on a plane for her own adventure is a starting point, not an ending point. Those adventures don't come cheaply - hence the need will only intensify for me to go back to work!

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