What ifs...

One of my dear friends is trying to have a baby. She has been chronicling her experience in her Ambivalent Womb blog, which I faithfully check daily. Yesterday's blog is a bunch of what ifs.

I started to write my own "What if" blog list. It got so depressing that I just deleted it without posting. It was full of 'What if my kids start using drugs, "what if I had a fabulous career and made lots of money?..." type of questions.

There is nothing like an online community to make you create a what-if list when you see what your friends are doing. It brings "suffer by comparison" a new meaning. For example, one of my friends, a professor of history in Hawaii posted earlier this week that she missed lilacs. I felt for her. Today she posted the picture of a tropical flower the size of a textbook with the caption "picked this at lunch today."  My empathy waned.

Another friend has given up a life of carting kids from school to activities for a dream life in an alternate-world from mine where apparently money is no object and they can spend months 'learning Spanish' in Mexico or becoming semi-professional level skiers in Aspen and she homeschools them. (Am NOT jealous of the homeschool bit). The entire family could model for gap commercials, and they are religious about green-living. Jealous of her? ME??? Since the moment I met her... but now only more so since I don't get a glimpse of her real day to day existence - sweaters shrunk in the dryer, arguments with her spouse, kids mouthing back. What if I had taken an organic path instead of the anti-green path we really live.

So I look and say "what if I'd gotten a PhD and moved to Hawaii" or "what if I had LP's charmed existence." Or even, "what if I had the G's pool?" Would I have been happier???

I am not alone in being a jealous person. What if I weren't envious? Would I be able to appreciate my existence - such as it is - the antithesis of glamor as Bridgewater's Blogging Soccer Mom?

Of the cuff - I would give a sarcastic answer.

Then I remember that my dear friend wants kids - ambivalence is a feeling that all potential and current moms feel! She may find my Saturday plans of carting and feeding kids mixed with some time to myself is actually something to envy. While others may look at this plan and yawn.

To appreciate what I have. All day long. That's my goal.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Poppet,
This is for your friend Ambivalent. I tried to post it on her blog but don't have the accounts needed. Maybe you could forward it somehow? Thanks!

Dear Jem,
My heart aches for you and Mr. Jem.

We battled IF for 6 yrs (4 w medical help) before conceiving our 1st child. Almost 7 years later, after more meds, a miscarriage, and a different quest, we adopted (domestically) our 2nd child. For us, it was worth it. Other friends are happily childless.

You do have choices and they aren't easy. Only you and your spouse know what is best for you.

Sometimes taking a break is helpful. After our miss, we found the 1st section of "Adopting After Infertility" helpful in reflecting on and discussing our desire to be parents and our loss w IF. Prayer was an important part of our choices, too.

So I said a prayer for you. My best wishes go with you in your journey.

Peace,
a BridgewaterNJ IF Mom
May 3, 2010 at 11:17 AM
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