The fight you just can't win

...EQUITY

No, I'm not talking about feminism, or racism or any other -ism.

I'm talking about the inevitable - the teary, the whining: "why is she getting to do that?" Or: "Why did he get to bring a friend and I didn't?"

And the unending attempts at parity. All in vain.

C has HS visiting from our former neighborhood far away. A once in a lifetime sort of thing, so she had a few friends over to meet the now-famous HS. As the half-dozen or so girls sat eating ice-cream around our kitchen table, N was in tears. "Where are my friends?" A reasonable question, I thought.

And so movie night was born. Click-evite-click and a few friends are now invited to see what some parents will inevitably think of as inappropriate, but that the boys LOVE. Monty Python and the Holy Grail was this year's hit with 3rd graders in a certain class in a certain Bridgewater school.

Then comes the other question of equity - who gets invited, who doesn't?

I used to be of the mindset that you "over-invite" - everyone you could possibly think of gets an invitation, and let the cards fall where they may. This worked until N's birthday in 2007. He is born in mid-September, so we don't know who his class-friends will be. So we invited ALL the boys from his 1st grade class, plus all the boys from his 2nd grade class, plus the neighborhood boys and a few other friends. 25 seven year old boys showed up in our backyard! On top of it, about 1/3 of the parents stayed. I think they were expecting us to serve them beer and appetizers, and I was expecting them to help. We were both somewhat disappointed! This year N had 3 boys here on his birthday, sans parents. Hurt feelings for the other 30 boys we could have invited? Probably... even as I write this, I am feeling guilty that I didn't invite more of C's friends when *I* wanted to keep it small and simple.

It's when the claims get ridiculous that I loose my temper. As I did with C last week when she complained that we spend more time with N's best friend's family than with her friends' families. I looked at her like she had 10 heads. I can't think of a single day in months when I haven't spent time with a parent of one of her friends.

You can't please everyone - and every parent who has more than one kid knows these struggles well. You have your own too - even if you don't have kids. Do you tip your hairdresser the same % as you tip your waitress? If you spend Christmas with your family, do you spend Thanksgiving with his? How do you pick a maid of honor???

It's tricky - I beat myself up over these insignificant inequities. Why? Maybe I am remembering parties I didn't get invited to when I want to invite absolutely everyone? Maybe it's residual damage from my own parents' inability to keep things fair (in their defense - they certainly tried!)? Maybe it is fear my daughter's friends' parents will reject her/me if I can't keep it just about right?

But I'll keep on trying. I love the patter of kids' feet running through the house, no matter how many sets of grass-filled footsies.

What is my quest? I seek the Holy Grail, packaged in a happy household. Then why do I feel like the soldier who lost all his limbs who keeps fighting?! Maybe because I also want to be happy in this household and I can't be happy if everyone else isn't? It certainly is a Holy Grail that I seek!